The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As he concluded his final lecture of the semester, Professor Dave DeLoach, the Class of 1897 Professor of Viticulture and Enology, was met with thunderous applause from students who were performatively grateful that he was forced to teach an undergraduate course to remain employed by the University. The students who managed to attend his 8:30 a.m. lecture clapped enthusiastically, hoping that their presence at DeLoach’s final lecture would compensate for skipping the previous 14.
“DeLoach is one of the worst professors I’ve ever had,” said one student while giving the professor a standing ovation. “He just reads off the notes and his handwriting is…”
(The rest was drowned out by the hoots and hollers of other students.)
Other students echoed similar sentiments, with some citing the 5 a.m. office hours, recorded lectures with no audio, and Canvas posts in white text as reasons why they disliked the course.
“The PSets were sent to our Frist address by snail mail every week,” said Ty Erd ’26, “and, once we finished them, we had to mail them back. With express shipping, too!”
Erd told The Daily PrintsAnything that half of his problem sets were marked late, and the other half were given automatic zeros for being “handwritten in the wrong font.” Erd was later seen throwing away his iClicker remote, which DeLoach required all of his students to purchase from his own Etsy shop.
As DeLoach attempted to leave the lecture hall to do more important things, throngs of students who had never spoken in class lined up to exchange pleasantries in the hopes of securing a future letter of recommendation. One student, having attended three lectures in September, was heard thanking DeLoach for “teaching such an engaging class.”
DeLoach’s course, “Incredibly Unhelpful Introduction to Essential Topic in Your Major,” is currently rated a 1.73 out of 5 on princetoncourses.com.
Michael Hwang is a contributing Humor writer and a member of the Class of 2025. He can be reached at myhwang@princeton.edu.
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