The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are securing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students also need to procure “laundry list-spots” in order to finish their laundry before leaving campus for break. This comes as a result of a new campus policy designating laundry rooms in all dorm buildings “list-only” on Tuesday, Nov. 21, the last day of class before Thanksgiving break.
University Facilities explained in a memo sent to all undergraduates that, “following last year’s long lines and machine-hogging, students will need to get a spot on each laundry room’s list in order to use the washer and dryer.”
Following the memo, facilities staff noticed a shift in their interactions with students. Some explained that students are more friendly and grateful, now complimenting their outfits and thanking them profusely for their work.
“I feel like a Cap and Gown officer with a Capmandu pass an hour before the list closes. It’s crazy!” said one unnamed facilities worker.
Other staff members reported receiving gifts from students who seem to be “out of clean clothes” and “wearing the same stained ‘Class of 2024’ crewneck everyday”.
Additionally, students have already begun to trade their list-spots, hoping to get both the best machines and best times.
“Everyone is bugging me because they know I got Washer #01 at 11 a.m.,” said Dee Terjent ’25, a resident in Henry Hall. “It’s the closest washing machine to the dryers, so you don’t have to hold your wet clothes for a long time while transferring.”
Spencer Bauman is the head Humor editor and a member of the class of 2025. He can’t remember which laundry machine he put his clothes in.