The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Earlier this month, a reporter for The Daily PrintsAnything, Walt Sun, requested to have the wardrobe in his dorm room replaced. In response, Princeton Housing Services said that they needed to first confirm whether the building contained asbestos before they drilled the new wardrobe into the wall. Shocked that his dorm could even have asbestos to begin with, Sun asked Housing Services when they could inspect his room for asbestos, to which they replied, “We just need to confirm on our online database.”
Following this interaction, the ‘Prints’ asked Housing Services whether they truly had an index of every dorm room on campus with asbestos. The ‘Prints’ did not receive a reply.
Consequently, the ‘Prints’ decided to launch a full-scale investigation into which dorm walls could actually be drilled into, in order to determine if they have asbestos. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, the team all submitted dorm maintenance requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.
According to an early report from junior Brad Crum ’25, Housing Services was able to verify that his walls did indeed have asbestos without even entering the room. Piper Trale ’27 reports that her request was denied on the basis that “the weapon used in 1844 to assault University President James Carnahan Class of 1800 was hidden in the ceiling and ought not to be brought to light.”
Eva Dents ’26 said her request was denied because lurking in the walls of her Whitman dorm is supposedly a “sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit from Wawa left behind during construction.” When asked why this would cause an issue, Housing Services replied that “the biscuit is very old and definitely doesn’t smell good,” and that they would simply “rather not” put themselves in the way of such an odious odor.
Sawyer Dilks is a contributing Humor writer and member of the Class of 2027. For his safety, he has been writing this piece in the ‘Prints’ bunker which is totally not located in the basement of their office building.
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