The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
With most midterm grades released and the final few weeks of the semester coming into view, many students are in search of places around campus where they can sit and cry during the ten-minute transition time between organic chemistry and linear algebra lectures, but where exactly are the best places to bawl one’s eyes out? The puffy-eyed, stuffy-nosed staffers in the Humor section of the Daily PrintsAnything spent the week wailing away in different nooks and crannies on campus so we could compile our findings for you.
Here are what we found to be the best places to cry on campus:
The stairwells in NCW. The acoustics in here gave our cry session a nice musical feel. Hearing the wails reverberate throughout the seven floors really made this location one of our favorites for crying.
The steps of Blair Arch. If you’ve ever wanted to crash some poor Princeton alumni’s engagement photos, then you should definitely cry here.
Music practice rooms in Woolworth. If you’re someone who likes to cry in private, then the practice rooms in Woolworth are a great choice. Nobody outside can hear your sniffles, and you can even play a sad song on one of the pianos to add to the mood!
In front of Thai Village. We found this is a smart place to cry hysterically, because people will just think you’re tearing up from some spicy food. It’s even more believable if you carry a to-go box with you while you’re weeping at one of the tables.
On the tiger statue in front of Nassau Hall. If you have a flair for the dramatic, then you’ll love this location. Sitting on one of the tiger statues in front of the campus’s most iconic buildings, you’re almost bound to be seen by a Orange Key tour. Show off your emotions for the future Tigers!
In the SPIA fountain. This is an especially good place to cry, since nobody will be able to tell if those are your tears or just the water already in the fountain! Better act quickly before they turn the fountain off for the winter.
The Institute for Advanced Study. Feel like you’re the main character in “Oppenheimer” by crying in front of the Institute. We recommend dressing up in a full suit with a fedora to really fit the vibe.
The Lewis Center for the Arts (LCA) Forum. This is another clever place to cry, because people will just think you’re practicing for a play at the LCA. If you’re someone who likes to yell desperately while in hysterics, we highly recommend this place.
The Daily Princetonian Newsroom. This one should be self explanatory.
Spencer Bauman is the head Humor editor, which gives him much to cry about. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org