The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The release of the Freshman Class Council election results has provoked a heated debate over the legitimacy of the election. In interviews with The Daily PrintsAnything, many students expressed their concerns for the future of the Class of 2027.
“What Alec did was a violation of not only University law, but moral principle,” Tracy Flick ’27 told the ‘Prints,’ in response to the actions of candidate Alec Shin-Frod ’27. Shin-Frod submitted their expenditure report in Roboto Serif font instead of Comic Sans, as is required by the USG election handbook. This resulted in Shin-Frod’s automatic disqualification from the election.
Other students condemned the ruthlessness some candidates displayed towards their fellow candidates.
Princeton Public Safety, the New Jersey State Police, and the FBI all received corroborating reports that Richard “Dick” Tater ’27 was threatening students into voting for him.
Lucy Ferr ’27, another candidate in the election, described Tater’s behavior as fitting a pattern set during the election.
“Friends told me that Richard said to his entire writing seminar he would ‘greatly appreciate their votes’ and ‘be a good representative of the freshman class.’”
“By the way, did you vote for me?,” she asked the ‘Prints’ after the interview concluded.
Further interviews with students involved with the election brought additional allegations about candidates’ pasts to light. Accusations ranging from hoarding tables at Frist Campus Center, Paw Point bribery, and residential college gerrymandering left Lisa Ward ’27 as the only remaining candidate without serious accusations against her. However, Ward was disqualified after submitting her mandatory paperwork to Canvas instead of Gradescope, as is also required by the USG election handbook.
As all candidates were in violation of the rules, all seats on the Freshman Class Council this year remain vacant — a historic first for the University.
Arika Hassan is a contributing humor writer and a member of the Class of 2026. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Natalia Diaz is a contributing humor writer and a member of the Class of 2027. She voted for every single candidate in the last USG elections. She can be reached at email@example.com.