The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Immediately following the stress of midterms, University Health Services (UHS) recently revealed that dangers of flunking tests and last-minute papers have been replaced by a new concern: vampires.
UHS has identified Drake Yula ’25, a junior in the computer science department, as the first case on campus. While the University declined to comment on his condition, The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to his roommate Moe Bius ’25, a student in the religion department, to learn more.
“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.
According to the University’s official statement, such behavior is an early sign of vampirism. Buffy Slater, director of UHS, had the following to say about the potential onset symptoms:
“By spending too much time cooped up, students are developing extreme sensitivity to sunlight, and a dependency on the lifeblood of productivity — caffeine. In order to protect themselves, they wear baggy hoodies whenever they have to go out in public.” He continued, “Above all, they despise seeing other students excited about their lives when they are so focused on their own work, and seek out energetic students to sap their vitality.”
In order to prevent the spread of vampirism on campus, the official statement also contained recommendations for unafflicted students.
“Sunlight is known to repel vampires, so be sure to spend time outside and in nature as much as possible. Running water is said to make evil spirits weak, so taking regular showers is another way to prevent the development of vampirism. Most importantly, do not hold the door open for anyone you do not know as you may be inviting a vampire into your home.”
Sawyer Dilks is a member of the Class of 2027 who has not touched grass since midterm season started. He would like to remind readers to do as he says and not as he does.
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