The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The University campus was caught by surprise with Thursday’s announcement that Jill Dolan, Dean of the College since 2015, would be leaving her position at the end of the school year.
In a further development, The Daily PrintsAnything has learned that Dolan will assume the presidency of the liberal arts college, College of the Sacred Breeze.
Speaking in her 94-degree office while a staff member fanned her with a large palm leaf, Dolan denied that the job change had anything to do with her office’s lack of air conditioning.
“I have long respected Sacred Breeze’s commitment to intellectual curiosity and character development,” Dolan said, as she gulped down a frosty two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.
Like many Princeton dormitories, Morrison Hall lacks proper air conditioning, a problem exacerbated by the recent heat.
According to multiple witnesses, Dolan went to Joline Courtyard last Thursday to get a free fan from the fan distribution, but arrived after supplies were already depleted. An hour later, she announced her retirement from Princeton.
As the President-Designate of Sacred Breeze, Dolan will helm an institution listed in the most recent U.S. News & World Report ranking of top liberal arts colleges as first in the category of “campus climate (literal),” but last in almost every other category.
While it does not advertise its acceptance rate, according to publicly available fillings, Sacred Breeze has a 46 percent four-year graduation rate and students scoring at the third-grade level in math and reading exams. Sacred Breeze shared with the ‘Prince’ a written statement downplaying these numbers and repeatedly boasting of being one of only a handful of colleges to feature a lazy river on campus.
Officials from Nassau Hall, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated that they do not expect a search for Dolan’s replacement to be necessary. These sources shared intelligence that Sacred Breeze lacks heating systems for the winter, due to most of the student body migrating to Saint-Tropez, and that they expect Dolan to be back soon.
Sam McComb is an associate Humor editor. He previously served in the United States Navy, where he received the Most Improved Prize and the Team Spirit Award.
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