The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Princeton has announced that effective immediately, all students will have the option of enrolling in the new Wawa dining program. This initiative will allow students to eat all of their meals at the Wawa on 152 Alexander Road, near Princeton Station.
A University spokesperson said, “After the student body got their panties in a wad over our recent change in dining policies, we have decided to simplify things.”
“Just go to Wawa,” said Vice President of Student Services Dinah Hall, in between drags of a cigarette, as she walked to her car. “Write an op-ed about that.”
The Princeton Wawa will be renamed in honor of Chip N. Pretsel ’22, who survived all four years at Princeton subsisting on nothing but Flaming Hot Cheetos and Arizona Iced Tea purchased from Wawa. Pretsel is also the namesake of Princeton Medical Center’s new kidney transplant center.
In order to replicate the traditional dining hall experiences, every Wawa meal will now also come with a pound of undercooked cauliflower. The only products that will be restricted for students are tobacco and alcohol products, except on weekends, holidays, or anytime after 7 p.m.
For those not interested in paying for the Wawa plan, the University is developing a cheaper plan where students can purchase a semester’s supply of microwave popcorn and Hot Pockets in bulk.
“I don’t think any of these changes will have an effect on students’ nutritional health,” dining hall manager Jeff Cook said. “Yesterday, I had to explain to a 20-year-old what a motherf*cking carrot was.”
Sam McComb is a contributing Humor writer and second-year prospective politics concentrator. He was once carried to the top of Mount Everest in a Babybjörn.