The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the recent news that the Board of Trustees has directed the University to dissociate from 90 fossil fuel companies, many students have celebrated the decision and some have even voiced a commitment to further climate activism. But for one student, the news came as a disappointment: He had wished that the fight had gone on for just a few more semesters.
Res Ume ’26 had been looking forward to joining Divest Princeton since he learned about the group at the Involvement Fest. He admired their cardboard signs at last week’s protest from afar — and would have attended the protest, he said, but was held up at a mandatory Handshake meeting by a McKinsey & Company recruiter.
With the recent news from the Board of Trustees, however, he noted that he feels “shit-out-of-luck.”
He continued, “I know it’s good news, it’s just kind of annoying that I don’t get to hold up one of those signs and take some credit for getting Princeton to divest. All I have to show for my time here is a Google Form and an acceptance email. Is the ‘Prince’ still taking writers? Maybe I can sign up for that instead.”
Tyler Wilson is a contributing writer for The Prospect and Humor at the ‘Prince.’ He can be reached at tyler.wilson@princeton.edu, or on Instagram at @tylertwilson.
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Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
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Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
