The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
- Burn your masks and a printout of Dean Dolan’s COVID-19 emails, breathing in the smoke to weaken your lungs.
- Make out with everyone on Prospect Avenue who has a runny nose and gives verbal consent.
- Cuddle with your roommate.
- Violently cough in their face and touch every surface in your dorm, claiming you’re “fine,” and “definitely don't have COVID-19.”
- Don’t test for COVID-19, saying “it’s totally optional.”
- When your roommate gets sick, gaslight them into thinking they caught the Princeton Plague.
- Deny everything.
- Force your roommate to isolate in a partially deconstructed broom closet in First College.
- Enjoy your new single.
Vitus Larrieu is a writer for Humor and Podcasts. He is currently procrastinating his maths p-set and can be reached at vl7131@princeton.edu.
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Princeton to convert Firestone Library to basketball facility
Rosie EdenHUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.
HUMOR: Alumni interviews will be replaced with direct one-on-one matchups. The DailyPrintsAnything received no comment from the Admission Office about the possibility of offering athletic scholarships to student athletes in the future.
First-year ‘totally fine and super okay’ that all of her friends are rooming without her
Sophia Varughese and Aasha JainHUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”
HUMOR: “It really wasn’t embarrassing at all when draw times came out, and I saw that they were on the top half of the first page, and I was one of three people on the last page. It was probably, like, the least embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, actually. All I did was punch a wall a few times. I literally wasn’t even that mad.”
“We’re a basketball school now!!” says beleaguered student entering Firestone Library
Walker PenfieldHUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.
HUMOR: After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering, whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.
