The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
- Burn your masks and a printout of Dean Dolan’s COVID-19 emails, breathing in the smoke to weaken your lungs.
- Make out with everyone on Prospect Avenue who has a runny nose and gives verbal consent.
- Cuddle with your roommate.
- Violently cough in their face and touch every surface in your dorm, claiming you’re “fine,” and “definitely don't have COVID-19.”
- Don’t test for COVID-19, saying “it’s totally optional.”
- When your roommate gets sick, gaslight them into thinking they caught the Princeton Plague.
- Deny everything.
- Force your roommate to isolate in a partially deconstructed broom closet in First College.
- Enjoy your new single.
Vitus Larrieu is a writer for Humor and Podcasts. He is currently procrastinating his maths p-set and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.