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How to get a single in 9 easy steps

A certain well-known virus might come in handy

<h5>A COVID-19 saliva test taken on campus</h5>
<h6>Zachary Shevin / The Daily Princetonian</h6>
A COVID-19 saliva test taken on campus
Zachary Shevin / The Daily Princetonian

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

  1. Burn your masks and a printout of Dean Dolan’s COVID-19 emails, breathing in the smoke to weaken your lungs.
  2. Make out with everyone on Prospect Avenue who has a runny nose and gives verbal consent.
  3. Cuddle with your roommate.
  4. Violently cough in their face and touch every surface in your dorm, claiming you’re “fine,” and “definitely don't have COVID-19.”
  5. Don’t test for COVID-19, saying “it’s totally optional.”
  6. When your roommate gets sick, gaslight them into thinking they caught the Princeton Plague.
  7. Deny everything.
  8. Force your roommate to isolate in a partially deconstructed broom closet in First College.
  9. Enjoy your new single.

Vitus Larrieu is a writer for Humor and Podcasts. He is currently procrastinating his maths p-set and can be reached at