The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In a statement released this past Thursday, University Housing Services announced that they will be installing Duo Security Two-Factor Authentication door locks on all undergraduate dorms. This decision comes as a result of the current doors requiring only a student’s prox and four-digit code for entry, which Housing Services has deemed “not secure enough.”
The new system will require every student to send a Duo Push from their door handles to their smartphones each time they enter their room. Since the devices are not able to support cookies, the “Remember me for 90 days” option will not be available, and students will need to sign in with their netID every time.
Housing has also announced that the new technology will be connected to the student portal, TigerHub. If a student is locked out, rather than calling their roommate frantically or having their neighbor trek to New South for them, they will simply be able to log into TigerHub to open their doors.
TigerHub is currently under construction and cannot be opened on Safari, Chrome, Firefox, or Internet Explorer.
For students living in suites of two or more people, every individual suitemate will have to accept the Duo Push anytime one requires entry.
“This is certainly the best decision to ensure that students’ rooms are secure,” a Housing spokesperson said. “And if a student gets locked out of their room without their phone to open Duo Mobile, they are always welcome to call Public Safety, who can open their doors for just $175 per minute on hold.”
Liana Slomka is a Head Humor Editor and a senior studying ecology and evolutionary biology. She has never taped her door, and she can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.