The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, students on campus are hoping to spend it with that special someone. Unfortunately for many, however, finding that special someone can be a difficult task. We at The Daily PrintsAnything have compiled a list of the eight most effective ways to ask out your crush.
- Discussion post on Canvas. Nothing says “I love you” quite like proclaiming your affection in front of your entire class. Because each student in the class is required to reply to three other posts, you’ll get at least three responses.
- GroupMe DM. Gone are the days of asking out one’s love interest in-person. This unconventional method of asking for a date has been increasingly popular among first-years, due to the easy access to fellow zees’ direct messages. Tip: Don’t accidentally hit up your RCA.
- Traffic sign on Washington Road. We hear these things are easily hackable.
- Google Docs. This method is perfect for professing love to that crush with a mysterious lack of social media presence. Share a Google Doc with them (make sure to select “Notify people”) and hope they receive the email with the document link.
- Hoagie Mail email. Show your crush that you care enough to go through the trouble of crafting a carefully worded email and boldly sending it to the entire undergraduate population.
- TigerConfessions# Post. Arguably the best medium for modern professions of love, this allows you to ask out your crush completely anonymously, thus effectively maximizing the awkwardness between you and the person who rejected you.
- Math office hours. This is an especially effective method, due to the intimacy and collaborative environment inherent to office hours. Be sure to start off with a course-related pick up line, such as “I know we’re supposed to solve for x, but I’m glad I found ‘u’ instead.”
- A Daily PrintsAnything article. Alex Wright-Patton ’24, will you go out with me? If so, please respond to my Canvas discussion post.
Spencer Bauman is an associate satire editor. He can be reached at email@example.com. David Cabrera is a contributing writer. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.