The following piece is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the Tigers’ defeat of both the Harvard Crimson and the Yale Bulldogs this season, and the resulting celebratory bonfire on Cannon Green this upcoming Sunday, the student body has unanimously decided to return to its usual strategy of not attending a single game unless there’s something in it for them. This attitude will persist until next year’s Harvard game.
“I’m super excited to burn a bulldog in effigy,” said Stu Deus ’24. “But once that’s over, I’ve got some problem sets to do.”
Over the next year, Princeton’s varsity athletics teams will likely win a number of overtime thrillers and come away with multiple Ivy League Championships. However, absent an opportunity to commit legal arson, the student body probably won’t give a crap.
“It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”
Liana Slomka is an assistant satire editor from Atlanta, Ga. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.