The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This year’s course selection will take place in-person, battle royale style, as TigerHub undergoes regularly scheduled maintenance, according to the Office of the Registrar. The University expects the brawl to humble underclass students who have illusions of grandeur — such as getting into a creative writing seminar.
Check-in will open at 7 a.m. at designated combat spaces for each class year. After an offering of Terhune apple cider donuts and Small World cold brew, students will race to a large table holding tiger plushies labeled with a course code, which will then need to be brought to the registrar’s office in order to confirm their classes. The only rule is that there are no rules.
Gretta Girwig ’22 expressed concern for the outcome of the event as she stuffed her backpack full of throwing knives.
“If I don’t get into Advanced Screenwriting, I won’t get to graduate, so I’ve really been training for the battle,” Girwig said. “I can’t afford not to.”
A survey found that 47 percent of students plan to arm themselves. Seven in ten of those respondents indicated their intent to register in a journalism seminar, dance class, or VIS class.
According to a memo from the registrar, “The University cannot enforce protection against any use of force or battery assault,” but ensured that paramedics would be on the scene just in case.
“I don’t think this concept is fair at all,” said Philosophy student Renny Dicarte ’23. “I haven’t done any physical activity since middle school, so I don’t think I’ll be getting the classes I want. And if I don’t think, am I?”
Other students seeking to choose lecture-style classes are less concerned. Pre-medical student Mary Curey ’25 said, “I plan on showing up a little late. Chem 202 has 225 seats anyways.”
A series of daily emails from the deputy registrar announced that the battle will take place in the following locations: seniors in the Institute for Advanced Study woods, juniors at the Art Museum construction site, sophomores in front of Nassau Hall, and first-years on Poe Field.
Students will still need to register for the registration battle through TigerHub before it goes down for maintenance.
Angel Kuo is a sophomore from Hesperia, Calif., and a contributing writer for the Satire section and contributing photographer for the Photo section. He can be reached at email@example.com.