The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Last Thursday, Princeton announced that it will “end all non-legacy admissions,” starting with the Class of 2026. From now on, the University will only admit relatives of alumni, with preference given to applicants descending from several generations of Princetonians.
The decision follows Amherst College’s recent announcement ending legacy consideration in its admissions. Troubled by the policy change, Princeton released a statement indicating a desire to forge its unique approach to admissions.
“Why should we follow in Amherst’s steps? They’re not even an Ivy,” the Office of Communications wrote in a press release.
“We feel that the best way to continue our tradition of excellence in education is to limit our student body to those who look exactly like the generations of Princetonians who came before them,” the statement said.
The Daily PrincetOnion spoke with current applicants about the new policy.
“Princeton has been my dream school my whole life, but I was always worried it wouldn’t matter who my grandfather was,” said Adam Firestone. “I just feel so relieved.”
Sarah Mathey, a Class of 2026 hopeful, expressed approval of the change.
“I think I deserve this as much as — if not more than — anyone else,” she said. “My parents taught me the value of struggle and hard work by making me carry their beer jackets and koozies at Reunions.”
Still, other students think the change doesn’t go far enough.
“People think it’s easy for me, since my great-great-grandfather wrote ‘The Great Gatsby,’” said Joey Fitzgerald. “But my life has been hard! And this doesn’t even make it that much easier! They haven’t even told me whether I’ll get automatic admission into the Princeton Cottage Club!”
In addition, Princeton announced that any applicant with double-legacy status (both parents) will receive “double admission” — the option of bringing a plus one to Princeton.
Liana Slomka is an assistant satire editor from Atlanta, Ga. She can be reached at lslomka@princeton.edu.
Hannah To is a satire contributor from Easton, Mass. She can be reached at hto@princeton.edu.
Read More
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?
Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
