The following piece is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
So much is broken in student journalism. For years, campus publications at Princeton have upheld editorial standards, worked to improve their writers’ work, and published stories with intentionality. This is absolutely unacceptable.
Inspired by the fearlessness of the University of Austin’s (UATX), we will chart our own path. I, along with a few colleagues at The Daily Princetonian, Nassau Weekly, The Princeton Tory, The Princeton Progressive, The Princeton Tiger, TigerTrends, and The Nassau Literary Review, are creating a new publication that will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight.
As it currently stands at the ‘Prince,’ free speech is in grave danger. Editors require that sentences have both subjects AND verbs. The tyranny of the inverted pyramid structure stifles stream-of-consciousness accounts of writers’ last scary dreams. Our cowardly Trustees say we can’t publish libel because we’ll “get sued.”
Our new journalistic venture may seem like a tall task, but we venture forward with a lean organizational structure. On principle, we will not employ any copy editors. For too long, English language writers on this campus have cowered to the Merriam-Webster-imposed orthodoxy. Not anymore. Our journalists will spell and punctuate however they please.
We will also be innovating how our content is distributed. Rather than passing out a print paper on campus, our publication will exist as a sub-page of bariweiss.substack.com.
If this all sounds interesting to you, look out for campus recruitment emails on HoagieMail. We are looking for students with a range of viewpoints, as long as they all explicitly agree that Cancel Culture is the biggest problem facing the modern world. We won’t be allowing writers to debate the importance of free speech, since it’s an obvious and settled fact that people should be able to say anything they want without consequences. But other than that, the paper will be an open space for controversial views.
To send us any comments, inquiries, or hate mail, please postmark a letter to our P.O. box in Austin, TX.
Zachary Shevin is a senior in the economics department from Boca Raton, Fla. He works on the ‘Prince’ as a Managing Editor, serves on the Editorial Board, and can be reached at email@example.com.