The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Last week, senior meteorologist in the Program in Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences Dr. Syukuro Manabe was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for his research, showing how increased carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere creates hotter temperatures. His work set a precedent for climate models, which now indicate that human civilization will be irreparably doomed by 2036. The University is still not sure if that warrants immediate divestment from fossil fuels.
“It’s just that we’d like to see a little more evidence before we take our billions of dollars out of those sweet, sweet oil wells,” a spokesperson for the University said. “Congratulations to our very own Dr. Suki Manabe, though! He has been working since 1963 on hypothetical consequences of global warming. One of these days, we’ll entertain the possibility that these findings could be kind of catastrophic for the entire global population. We’ll think about divesting then in 40 years, or whenever that happens.”
After congratulating Manabe on his Nobel Prize, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 emailed him to clarify his stance on climate change, asking, “Are you sure it’s actually that bad, though?”
Manabe responded, “Yes, it’s bad.”
The University has formed a committee, a subcommittee, and a working group that will take Manabe’s response into consideration.
Liana Slomka is a junior Ecology and Evolutionary Biology major and contributing writer for the Satire section from Atlanta, Ga. She can be reached at email@example.com.