The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In response to prior backlash on its semi-annual Firestone gig, the Princeton University Band is now offering “Midterm Hit-Grams.” For five dollars and three words of affirmation, the Band will play a song to your worst enemies during the most inconvenient parts of their day.
Popular Band hits like “Shut Up and Dance” and “Mr. Brightside” will be strictly off limits. In the spirit of Princeton tradition, purchasers may choose between “Old Nassau” and “Old Nassau” but only the drum parts.
Undergraduate students are eagerly anticipating the chance to exact revenge on those who have wronged them.
“There’s one person in my Orgo class who somehow gets an A on every exam. Not this one,” said Fred Shman ’25.
Any individual may be hit-grammed a maximum of three times. The Band recommends placing orders as soon as possible, as requests for popular campus figures like That Guy Who Has Been Hacking Up a Lung in The Back of Your 200-Person Lecture and Any Res College Staff Who Still Use The Phrase “Unprecedented Times” may fill up quickly.
Time and location are under the discretion of the purchaser. However, Band officials encourage students to be cognizant of when and where might be most disruptive to the target. A senior Band member suggested keeping track of your enemy’s midterms and sleep schedule to achieve the most effective result.
One University official who requested anonymity has already reserved over 50 performances, citing the recent, “unnecessary and frankly, annoying, student petitions which have forced me to use critical thinking skills while at work. I hate my job.”
Hits began on Monday, Oct. 11 and continue through Friday, Oct. 15 until 5 p.m.
Emma Moriarty is a senior in the School of Public and International Affairs from Arizona and a guest contributor. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.