The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Released last week, The Daily PrincetOnion’s Frosh Survey highlighted an important insight into the academic and social lives of the Class of 2025. According to survey data from the entire first year class, the ‘Prince’ has determined that everyone on this campus has had crazy, wild sex except for one specific person: you.
The survey uncovered many trends in the student body. Athletes, for example, are more likely to engage in sexual relations on weekends, and first-born children are more likely to sexile their roommates. One thing remains clear — you are the only remaining person at Princeton University who has never had sex. Including math majors.
When asked her thoughts about the University’s only virgin, Assistant Director of the Office of Religious Life Rev. Dr. Meredith K. Byers responded with just one word: “prude.”
Off the record, your residential college adviser said that at the next study break, everyone will be given condoms except you.
Liana Slomka is a junior Ecology and Evolutionary Biology major and contributing writer for the Satire section from Atlanta, Georgia. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Josh Wells is a sophomore SPIA major and contributing writer for the Satire section from Southampton, England. He can be reached at email@example.com