The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
After some last-minute petitioning from the Anscombe Society, the University fit in one more event to the several-month-long Class of 2025 orientation experience. To complement the “Safer Sexpo'', facilitated by Peer Health Advisers (PHAs), Anscombe hosted a mandatory “Don’t-Have Sexpo” for all first-year students.
In an interview with The Daily PrincetOnion, Anscombe member Celine “Cel” Abbott said she felt the previous orientation conversations encouraging safe sexual practices were insufficient.
“The so-called ‘birth control’ practices that University Health Services is endorsing barely work. Condoms are literally only 98 percent effective,” Abbott explained. “You know what’s 100 percent effective? Abstinence.”
The Safer Sexpo made headlines last year for its sex toy giveaway, and continues giving out “goodie bags” filled with condoms and lube. Abbott felt a similar giveaway system would help engage first-years, but opted for some slightly different prizes.
“We raffled off chastity belts to one member of each zee group that attended the event,” she said.
With attendance at the Anscombe event nearly tripling that of the Safer Sexpo, several PHAs have expressed concern. Specifically, they say Residential College Advisors (RCAs) have reported finding the condoms and candy taped near their doors replaced with promise rings and corn flakes.
“Weirdly, this is only happening in Forbes, and we’re really not sure what to make of that,” PHA Priyanka Medecin said in an interview.
After a successful orientation event, Anscombe Society activists have begun pushing for broader change on campus. A recent petition calls for Student Agencies to immediately terminate the Tiger Bed rental program, claiming that while some students may need the extra space for comfort, the larger beds “practically encourage premarital sex.”
“If we could find a vendor willing to make the mattresses smaller than a twin, we’d be pushing for more,” Abbott explained.
The group will collect signatures on the Anti-Tiger Bed petition at a series of “chastity chats” and “traditional marriage talks” in Frist Campus Center beginning next week.
Zachary Shevin is a senior in the economics department from Boca Raton, Fla. Zachary works on the ‘Prince’ as a Managing Editor, serves on the Editorial Board, and can be reached at zshevin@princeton.edu.
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