A Day in the Life of Ted Cruz

7:00 a.m. – Wakes up, rolls out of bed and then prays in front of his at-home memorial for Jesus and Ronald Reagan. He does not stop praying until he hears Papa Reagan’s voice reassuring him that running for President was the right thing to do.

7:50 a.m. – Eats breakfast. Chick-fil-A® biscuits with honey.

8:22 a.m. – Puts on a big-boy suit and runs his fingers through his hair. Practices making that face that looks like he’s constantly about to cry. His high school drama coach once told him that his upside-down smile was, quote, “on point.” He is now ready to seize the day.

8:45 a.m. – Attends a meeting to outline his campaign trail map. Plans for stops in Iowa (obviously), New Hampshire (obviously-er) and Disney World (obviously-est). Pretty women who sing and do chores all day. Perfect.

10:05 a.m. – Potty break.

10:50 a.m. – Visits a natural history museum and gives a speech on the importance of education. “I went to Princeton, so I know things.”

11:30 a.m. – Tours the museum with a group of children. Makes sure the cameras catch him expressing his relatability. Successfully hides blatant confusion about the exhibit on evolution.

1:00 p.m. – Has lunch at a nearby small-business deli. Downs a sandwich that reminds him of his drunken nights at Hoagie Haven, a world-famous small-business deli.

1:06 p.m. – Hopes that no one else remembers those drunken nights at Hoagie Haven.

1:45 p.m. – Gets on his pimped-out tour bus to go to another press event.

1:50 p.m. – Has an on-bus meeting about possible VP options, just in case he makes it that far. Thinks about a title-winning chicken fight between Sarah Palin and Chris Christie for the whole ride, but doesn’t say anything. Sarah in a swim suit. Chris in a swim suit. Mm.

3:15 p.m. – Drives past one of those “Ready for Hillary” posters on someone’s window. Struggles to hold back tears, but one rolls down his cheek in silent defeat.

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3:30 p.m. – Arrives at a construction site and gives a speech on the importance of the hardworking American.

3:37 p.m. – Makes something up about how Obama has taken away their jobs.

3:40 p.m. – Makes something up about how Obama has taken away their health care.

3:43 p.m. – Makes something up about how Obama has taken away all of their rights in general.

3:44 p.m. – Especially guns.

3:45 p.m.– And warm weather.

3:50 p.m. – Gets back on the pimped-out tour bus and goes to a nearby big-corporate hotel.

4:15 p.m. – Has a meeting in a conference room about which demographics to target during the campaign.Makes a short list of demographics and immediately crosses off immigrants, the young and the highly educated.

4:19 p.m. – Circles the working class, evangelicals and the elderly.

4:20 p.m. – Interrupts meeting to hold a pencil like it’s a cigarette and pretends to smoke it in front of everyone. Giggles.

4:45 p.m. – Potty break.

5:30 p.m. – Completes ironic enrollment for Obamacare.

6:00 p.m. – Naptime.

7:15 p.m. – Wakes up crying; had a nightmare about the complete dissolution of One Direction.

7:18 p.m. – Consoled by wife.

7:30 p.m. – Leaves hotel and drives in an All-New 2015 Ford-450 (“’Murica!”) to a restaurant to meet with prospective campaign donors.

7:50 p.m. – Orders macaroni & cheese off of a kid’s menu.

7:59 p.m. – Impresses the prospective donors with the pretty picture of his own swearing-in that he drew on the back. A crayoned Obama weeps in the background.

9:15 p.m. – Leaves the restaurant and takes the All-New 2015 Ford-450 (“’Murica!”) back to the hotel.

9:35 p.m. – Potty break.

10:00 p.m. – Takes a bath using a cotton candy bath bomb, stolen from his wife.

10:50 p.m. – Gets dressed in pajamas decorated with his favorite Adventure Timecharacters.

11:02 p.m. – Pledges allegiance to the Illuminati Canada (“Amurica!”), his true home.

11:15 p.m. – Before bedtime, prays that Jeb Bush and Rand Paul and that Asian kid he met on the museum tourall stay out of the race so he has a shot at victory.

11:20 p.m. – Falls asleep to the soothing sound of Rush Limbaugh’s podcasts. Mm.