1. Bonfire will not burn John Harvard in effigy, because cults and paganism and blah blah political correctness blah
2. Male allegedly exposes himself in three places on campus Tuesday; evidence of growing boldness in towpath nudist colony
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3. Footnotes to compete on NBC's "The Sing-Off"; will teleport to 1999 to meet Nick Lachey, Jewel & Boyz II Men when they were relevant
4. USG Senate votes to allow Ogle '15 to run for president against Jackson '15, because paperwork is sooo vice-presidential
5. Chris Christie cavorts with Triangle cheerleaders at Saturday's football game; Michele Bachmann prays away the drag
6. Meningitis Outbreak: Princeton hasn't received this much media attention since Susan Patton '77 broke feminism
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