The presidents of the four bicker and one “we-don’t-do-Bicker-but-we-want-to-be-cool-too” clubs have reneged on their plans to institute a multi-club Bicker system this spring, dozens of confused sophomores learned late Thursday night.
In fact, the announcement was just a ploy to figure out which sophomores are truly dedicated to a certain club and which just wanted to maximize their chances of getting into a bicker club so they could feel, in the words of Cap & Gown President Abiline Enchilada, “sick.”
“We are not just any eating club. We are the illustrious Cap & Gown Club,” Enchilada said. “We’re actually a really chill and accepting group of people. If you just want to be here because of the prestige, to feel some social validation to compensate for your sorry little sophomore life, then we don’t want you. Cap love is real, you know?”
One sophomore, who asked to remain anonymous so as not to jeopardize her chances of getting into Ivy — a Jeffersonian democracy that takes only the natural aristocracy — in February said she received emails from both Tiger Inn and Cannon letting her know that each was aware that she had also attended Bicker events for the other.
“Don’t even bother bickering,” the email from TI read. “We are not just any eating club. We are the Glorious Tiger Inn. See you at State Night.”
“Don’t even bother bickering,” the email from Cannon read. “We are not just any eating club. We have protein shakes and technology that rivals New York City nightclubs.”
When they initially announced the new system, the club presidents specifically indicated that they would take precautions to ensure that the fact that a sophomore was bickering another club would not hurt his chances.
“Well, we lied,” the Cottage president, whose identity is unknown to The Daily Princetonian, said. “Just like when we told you that if you did really well at Bicker, it didn’t matter that you had no prior connections. Get over it.”
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