Doubts regarding Surace’s resume: Coach claimed he had seen football

Signs first appeared at Surace’s introductory press conference in 2009. He had arrived after being an assistant coach for the NFL’s Cincinnati Bengals, a team known for its long-term disfunction that is mockingly nicknamed the “Bungles.”

“I am so excited to coach the Orange and Black,” Surace began that day. “I mean, those are the best colors ever, amiright?”

Surace’s introduction continued as media members pressed on his philosophical views of the sport.

“I really love it when that guy throws the ball to someone on his own team and he runs it past the end line,” Surace said. “But only when it’s our team. When the other team does it, that makes me sad.”

Surace could often be seen on the sideline staring down his play-calling sheet. Sources provided for the ‘Prince’ a copy of this page, which consisted of a smiling stick figure with a football in his hand and a grocery list consisting of “milk,” “eggs” and “that sticky stuff for people who can’t catch good and wanna do other stuff good too.”

With Surace at the helm, the Tigers finished 1-9 for a second consecutive season. Both of his wins have come by just three points. Despite a defense that finished last in the Ivy League stopping the pass, Surace has deflected any change to his defensive scheme.

“People keep telling us to switch to a 3-4 defense, but we don’t have anyone that short,” Surace said.

Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’67 said he would consider Surace’s future over the next few days. Walters’ hiring practices have come under fire for not looking into Surace’s claims earlier.

“He came in and said he had watched football, and right then I knew we had the right guy,” Walters said. “I am appalled to learn that this was a fabrication.”

Players said they were not shocked when confronted with the news yesterday.

“Coach always tells us to keep our eye on the ball and swing for the fences,” senior linebacker Steven Cody said. “Now that you mention it, those might not have been metaphors.”

“We knew something was up when he kept trying to run the Annexation of Puerto Rico,” senior quarterback Tommy Wornham said. “Yeah, it worked for those kids in Pop Warner, but this level of football is at least ... three times more difficult.”

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“Of course, it was still better than [former head coach Roger] Hughes’ offense,” Wornham added. Hughes could not be reached for comment, as reporters chased him through the underground maze of Jadwin Gymnasium but could not catch him.

Along with his claims to have observed the sport, Surace was hired as coach partly due to his reputation for fiery pregame and halftime speeches. However, the originality of his talks has been called into question in the wake of the resume scandal.

“Deer eyes. Full farts. Can’t booze,” Surace was overheard saying in the locker room to his players before Princeton’s season-ending game at Dartmouth.

In a hastily called press conference earlier today, Surace declined to comment on the allegations.

“The allegations that I have not seen this sport are false,” he read from a prepared statement. “I’m not here to talk about myself. I’m here to talk about Princeton foosball.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.