Davis’ clutch move nets last slice of pizza

The last piece of Frist pizza.

He had fought all the way from the back of the line to claim his title in one of the most clutch moves imaginable. Davis soon found himself on the Food Network’s Top 10 plays of the week, and his name trended worldwide on Twitter (#DougDavisEats).

“What can I say? I do what I do when I do what I do,” Davis said.

For Davis, however, it was just another clutch day in a life defined by such play.

“In his first day of pre-school, little Dougie grabbed the last unbroken crayon in the 64 set,” his mother Dorothy said. “We always knew he had some special ability to step up when the dinosaurs needed coloring.”

Coaches discovered his talents when he arrived to Princeton as a freshman. After just a week on campus, Davis managed to procure a spot in the high-demand Kiddie Lit class and averaged finding 12.3 dollars of spare change per game under the Jadwin Gymnasium stands. That number has since improved to 13.8 per game, mostly because of inflation, but his end-game moves leave nothing to be desired.

“We used to play HORSE from tallest to shortest, but we all got tired of Doug going last,” Kareem Maddox ’11 said. “I mean, how many half-court, behind-the-back, one-footed shots can a guy make?”

“Twenty-seven,” Davis quickly answered.

His late-game talents have even sometimes diffused to his teammates. Earlier this year, junior forward Ian Hummer hit a game-winning layup against Rutgers, and junior forward Mack Darrow hit a buzzer-beating three-pointer to top Rider in an overtime slugfest.

More importantly, though, both Darrow and Hummer have reported increased clutch play with Davis near them. Last week, Darrow said he was frustrated by the lack of open washing machines in Brown and that he twice had to wait hours for one to become available.

“Let me come with you,” Davis said.

As Darrow and Davis entered the room, they noticed a freshman set to empty her laundry basket into an open washer. Davis snagged a pair of Darrow’s gym shorts, and heaved them across the room toward the front-loaded door. The freshman was helpless to defend, and the shorts tumbled into the washer.

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Nothing but nylon.

“I’d never seen a shot so clean,” Darrow said. “It might not have been so had Doug grabbed my underwear.”

Davis says that fans have taken notice of his clutch performance.

“It’s been a little bit surreal,” he said. “I’m just glad I can help the team. But when people started cheering and mobbed me after I turned in my problem set at exactly 4:59 p.m., it was a little weird.”

When Davis was young, he traveled on vacation to Florida for a few days in the sun. There, he met a football player named Tim Tebow, who was struggling to find starting time at quarterback for his local high school team.

“We shook hands and I noticed my shoes were untied, so I went down to fix them,” Davis said. “The next thing I knew, the guy was down next to me, copying my move.”

Davis wouldn’t say outright whether he thinks he changed the man’s future.

“I saw him throw, and I don’t think any amount of clutch play could help that guy succeed.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.

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