Have you ever found yourself in an unexpected or unusual situation? How did you handle it? Did you open your phone and pretend to text in the corner, praying not to be seen? Or did you seize the moment, milking it for all it was worth? Because if you did the latter you very well might be a party crasher.
As self-proclaimed party crashers, we, Trap Yates and Nick Ellis, not only find ourselves in these kinds of situations, but we put ourselves in them on purpose. Through our tales, we hope to let you vicariously experience the events you probably didn’t attend. Read on to enjoy the party for yourselves.
Our system is simple: Find an event. Attend the event. Then, using a complex formula, measure how much fun we had at the event on a scale of puppies (as in, "How many puppies could I play with to have as much fun as I did at this event?") The least fun possible is zero puppies, the most fun is a litter, and any other number of puppies represents a level of fun in between.
The formula is as follows: adventure rating times distance from comfort zone all divided by number of awkward turtle babies; to this is added a quality of free food measure.
But enough about our methods. Now, on to the events.
Speed Friending: Attended by Trap
Outfitted to race my peers and ready to make friends with relative swiftness, I was surprised to learn that “speed-friending” instead involved sitting at a very long table and simply talking to people I had never met. After being assigned the number 41, I grabbed my free cupcake and proceeded to make some friends. Fast.
I went into speed-friending thinking it would be less “speed-friending” and more “speed-meeting-people-that-I-will-now-have-awkward-eye-contact-with-like-hey-I-know-you-kind-of-but-not-well-enough-to-talk-to-you-ing.” But I was wrong.
I met some interesting people who taught me interesting things. For instance, I learned what a bassoon was when I met not only one bassoon player, but two, in the span of about eight minutes. I found out how many hours a week the women’s crew team practices. (Answer: a lot.) Yet despite all the fun facts I learned about my peers, it was difficult to remember anyone’s name, and I don’t know what to think about the slightly dehumanizing number system, but whatever. I gained a Facebook friend or two, so I declare speed-friending a success. This event was two puppies of fun!
Honeys and Heartthrobs Valentine’s Day Bash: Attended by Trap and Nick
The first thing we noticed upon arriving at the Honeys and Heartthrobs Valentine’s Day Bash was that the Carl A. Fields Center is a nice place. Like, really, really nice. New Butler nice. The second thing we noticed was that our fellow attendees were really well-dressed, which made us look like a bunch of slobs.
If you go to this event in the future, don’t feel a need to get there early. We got to the dance at 11 p.m., and were among the first people there. We proceeded to stand somewhat awkwardly for almost an hour waiting for the festivities to begin.
While we killed time, we asked some of our fellow attendees questions such as, “What is this event?” and “Am I underdressed?” We were told that this dance was our last chance to find love before Valentine’s Day. And find it we did.
The first outpouring of love we experienced was when we were randomly approached by an extremely friendly girl who clearly wanted to talk to us.
“Hey guys, do you go here?” she asked.
“Yeah, we do,” we replied.
“Oh, great! Can you sign some people in?”
“Uh ... sure.”
We then proceeded to put our signatures on paper to allow two guys we’ve never met, nor will ever see again, into the dance. The friendly girl seemed to know them, so I figured they were all right.
After the ice was broken, we spoke to a few people in the lobby about their lives. And we learned a lesson that was reinforced at all the events we attended: People around here are pretty freaking nice. Rather than giving us the cold shoulder, our new friends told us all about the event, themselves and their aspirations. It was very pleasant.
Then the dance began, and we’re still reeling from the experience. We thought we had seen dancing at the Street. We couldn’t have been more wrong. We saw dancing that we didn’t know was possible. We saw dancing we didn’t know was allowed.
Once we got over this initial shock, the dance was really fun. The dancing, even for the less adventurous among us, was a blast. Frat guys did coordinated line-dance-jumping-routine-things that were great, provided you stayed out of the way. The DJ kept the party bumping while shouting out truly hilarious things every so often. And no beer was spilled on my clothes. It was a beautiful event. It was eight puppies worth of fun.
The Anscombe Adventure: Attended by Trap and Nick
Recently we were wondering, “If the Anscombe Society doesn’t make love or war, what do they make?” Luckily, this past Monday, we got the chance to ask that very question at the “Ask an Anscomber Anything” dinner at Murray-Dodge Hall.
The Anscombers kicked off their event like any other group dedicated to reinforcing traditional sexual and family mores: by serving a bountiful selection of Indian food. Ladling aromatic curried chicken onto a plastic plate turned our minds towards higher things — in particular, abstinence.
Questions started out light, inquiring about who Anscombe was and how many members of the society were on campus. But these fluffy questions quickly soon transitioned to more pressing and poignant ones. What is Anscombe’s position on gay people? How about masturbation? (Yes, that bomb was dropped.) Chastity belts?
Although Anscombe doesn’t appear to have official positions on many of these topics, the members were more than willing to explain their own positions. From time to time the air grew thick with philosophical thought, but what was there to complain about with endless amounts of naan and Sierra Mist to devour?
Overall, the chairs were comfortable, the people approachable, the awkward turtles plentiful, the food sumptuous and the unrelenting sexual inquires compelling. No doubt, this event was as fun as one-and-a-half puppies.
What we learned:
1. David McKenna is a master of his craft.
2. Anscombe events are a free food gold mine. Just don't tell anyone.
3. The Carl A. Fields Center is an amazing building.
4. The dance floor can be a dangerous place.
5. Apparently what they say about people with big hands is that they should play the bassoon.
"All my pretty girls make some noise! All my ugly girls be quiet!" –DJ at the Carl A. Fields Dance.
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