Party like it's middle school

What follows is a list of things that I no longer get to do at parties or have to refrain from doing if I want an opportunity to go back to those parties. If you feel the way I do after reading this, please do not simply agree silently, but take these considerations to heart and act on them.

1. Stuff my face at the snack table. Back in my not-so-much-younger days, if I got bored or felt awkward at a party, I could always wander over to the snack table and concentrate on a bowl of Tostitos. Not only was this fun, it also made me look cool, as if I had better things to do at the party than just stand around. Plus, I got to eat a whole lot of chips! If you’re going to be up past 10:30 p.m., you might as well carbo-load, right? It is much harder to do this today. Nowadays, people tend to think you’re a loser if you stand in front of the food too long, which means I have to walk around the party, look uninterested in the food and grab a fistful of pretzels when I go by. This way, I look super busy and cool. Sometimes I pretend to text while I do this, so I look popular too. However, there are rarely enough snack tables at parties anymore, so the act of snatching is becoming a lost art.

2. Get goodie bags. How much better would your nights be if, as you left a pregame to go to the Street, your host handed you a decorated paper bag with your first name and last initial written in Magic Marker on the front? Before you answer, just imagine how much better your night would be if you could then do your “Prospect Ten” with a Tootsie Pop and a ladybug tattoo on your face. Plus, you’d have so many stickers left over for later!

3. Play party games, notably “Duck Duck Goose” and very not-notably “Spin the Bottle” and “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” Two of these are and have always been lame, and one of them is a natural embodiment of all that is and will ever be gleeful in the world. Hint: It isn’t the donkey one. On a related note, I tried bringing back pinatas recently by filling them with beer cans but have so far only had middling success. If you’re going to try this at home, experiment with fillers first!

4. Write thank you notes. This isn’t so much something I wish I could do, but more of a personal apology to anyone who ever gave me a gift or came to a party that I threw and did not receive a thank you note from me (e.g., my great aunt and uncle and everyone who came to my bar mitzvah). Thank you, and I’m sorry this is late!

Since this seems like the best time to do it, I might as well let you all know that I’m throwing a party next weekend that’ll be more or less exactly like this, and you’re all invited. Hey, you know what else I miss? Bringing the host presents.