Ask Alexis: Partying

Dear Alexis,

I’m throwing a party for my friend, and I want it to be special. Do you have any advice as to how to make it especially memorable?

— Partying in Pyne

Dear Partying,

The first step to planning an awesome party is creating a stellar guest list. Things to look for in potential party-goers include people who tell their friends’ secrets when they drink, anyone who is notoriously sexually frustrated and has an anger management issue (a golden combination) and people who make animal noises and do impressions on demand.

Imagine you’re casting a reality show. Just remember to keep the guest list exclusive so you can brag about how much fun the party was in front of excluded members of your friend group.

The second step to a great party is good music. Play dubstep as loudly as possible. If your speakers don’t go to 11, then find some that do. It’s important to play loud music at a party so that everyone studying in the rooms around yours will get jealous of your awesomeness and your party-planning skills will become the talk of the town.

Dubstep is the best option for loud party music because the intense bass will reverberate through the floorboards just enough to let that cute girl in 212 know how popular you are.

The third step is adding a theme. Everyone loves a theme party. I, for example, have attended successful parties with such themes as “Double Rainbow” and “Come as an Old White Guy, Leave as a Young Asian Guy.” I wish I was making that up. Think of a suitable theme for your party and decorate accordingly.

The theme doesn’t have to be symbolic of anything, but current events are a great place to look for inspiration. How about an “I’m Oprah’s Half-Sister” party, complete with blood-test themed cocktails for everyone? You get a cocktail!

If you have a “Free Egypt” party and you get a knock from Public Safety, you can always say you were just watching the news. There’s nothing better than Arabic shouting in unison to spice up a celebration.

The fourth step is providing delicious food and beverage to your party guests. Try to keep it in theme. “Welcome to the Jungle Party”? Serve animal crackers and jungle juice. Toga party? Serve wine and the heads of fallen Gladiators. The gladiator battle will be the best part! Just make sure your weakest friends are also your least popular friends and your most delicious friends.