Column: Great names of old-time teams

One of my favorite things about college sports, as opposed to professional sports, is the occasional extremely silly nickname, like the University of California, Santa Cruz, Banana Slugs; the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs; or even the Centenary Gentlemen. But there was a time when pro sports teams had much better names than they do now. I present to you the 10 greatest nicknames in the history of American professional sports, as well as three that I’ve invented. Can you spot the ones that aren’t real?

13. Anaheim Amigos (basketball)

League: American Basketball Association, 1967–1968

Notable Record: 25-53 in 1967–1968

Fun Fact: The ABA adopted a three-point shot long before it was introduced to the NBA. In the ABA’s inaugural season, the Amigos’ rookie guard Lester Revell Selvage led the league in three-pointers made with 147 and three-pointers attempted with 461. He only played in four more games after that season, making no threes.

12. Troy Haymakers (baseball)

League: National Association, 1871–1872

Notable Record: 15-10 in 1872

Fun Fact: The National Association, forerunner to the National League, contains many of the teams on this list. George “Charmer” Zettlein pitched in every Haymakers game in 1872.

11. Lansing Locomotives (football)

League: National Football League, 1920–1921

Notable Record: 1-7 in 1921

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Fun Fact: The Locomotives won their first game of the 1921 season but lost three of their star players to suspension after an on-field brawl. They never won another game.

10. Chicago Orphans (baseball)

League: National League, 1898–1902

Notable Record: 53-86 in 1901

Fun Fact: The Orphans were the bridge between the Chicago Colts of the 1890s and the Chicago Cubs we all know today. They were called the Orphans after the departure of their famous captain Adrian “Cap” Anson, the first major leaguer to get 3,000 hits.

9. Hartford Warthogs (basketball)

League: National Basketball League, 1947–1948

Notable Record: 22-31 in 1947

Fun Fact: The Warthogs’ 6-foot-7-inch center, Glen Minkins, was the first NBL (forerunner to the NBA) player to dunk in a game.

8. Dayton Triangles (football)

League: National Football League, 1920–1929

Notable Record: 0-6 in 1929

Fun Fact: In 1929, their final season, the Triangles allowed 136 points and scored seven. Their lone touchdown was scored on a fumble return by a guard named Al Graham. One time in another season, they beat the Oorang Indians (yes, that’s right) 36-0.

7. Worcester Ruby Legs (baseball)

League: National League, 1880–1882

Notable Record: 18-66 in 1882

Fun Fact: The 1882 Ruby Legs’ second and third best pitchers, Frank Mountain and Fred Corey, averaged more than one wild pitch per game during the season. There is no record of whether any fans sat behind home plate by the end of the year.

6. St. Paul Apostles (baseball)

League: Union Association, 1884

Notable Record: 2-6 in 1884

Fun Fact: St. Paul’s team batting average was .180, their on-base percentage was .201, and their slugging percentage was .235. That is only marginally better than Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels.

5. Tonawanda Kardex (football)

League: National Football League, 1921

Notable Record: 0-1 in 1921

Fun Fact: The Kardex, who also played as the Tonawanda Lumbermen, got their name from the Kardex company, which later merged with Remington to become Remington Rand and made the first commercial computer (the UNIVAC) in the United States. In their one game as an NFL team, they lost 45-0 to the Rochester Jeffersons.

4. Fort Wayne Kekiongas (baseball)

League: National Association, 1871

Notable Record: 7-12 in 1871

Fun Fact: The Kekiongas won the first league game in baseball history, defeating the Cleveland Forest Citys 2-0 behind the pitching of 5-foot-5-inch, 140-pound Bobby Mathews.

3. Harrisburg Geese (baseball)

League: Players’ League, 1890

Notable Record: 39-91 in 1890

Fun Fact: During the short-lived Players’ League, players rose up against perceived unfairness of the owners and started their own league. Pitcher Kid Cudahy formed the Harrisburg Geese mostly from childhood friends and local mill workers, who fared poorly against the professionals — with the exception of second baseman Jimmy McDermott, who went on to a six-year career in the National League.

2. Brooklyn Bridegrooms (baseball)

League: American Association, 1888–1889; National League, 1890, 1896–1898

Notable Record: 86-43 in 1890

Fun Fact: The 1890 Bridegrooms were led by a phenomenal duo of double duty players. Adonis Terry and Bob Caruthers both pitched and played the outfield and combined to score 109 runs, drive in 88 and win 49 games with a combined ERA around 3.00.

1. Wilmington Quicksteps (baseball)

League: Union Association, 1884

Notable Record: 2-16 in 1884

Fun Fact: The Quicksteps featured pitcher The Only Nolan. The 26-year-old pitched five games, all complete games, striking out an astonishing 52 batters in 40 innings but also throwing 13 wild pitches, or about one every three innings. He finished 1-4.

So, which three of these teams are fake? The first person to get it right in the online comments without research wins a pint of ice cream on me.