Ask Alexis: Safety First

Dear Alexis,

I want my room to look unique and awesome, but there are so many fire safety rules that I’m afraid I might break! I don’t want to get in trouble. What should I do?

—Fiery Freshman

Dear Fiery,

I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know how to read either. But I did get my friend to read aloud that long list of fire safety rules on the housing office website, and I’ll give you the highlights. After this, feel free to call your interior decorator — as long as you stick to regulation, of course.

One really sucky rule is that you can’t hang anything from the ceiling, which means that you’ll just have to return that chandelier to Tiffany’s. I thought it was subtly elegant as well, but rules are rules.

Not all the safety codes are crazy, though — sometimes, I get the feeling that the officers are more concerned about your aesthetic decisions than your safety. For example, they specify that “at least 6 inches of space must be left between wall hangings.” That’s really about style more than anything, right? I bet their office is beautifully furnished.

While they’re saving your eyes from unattractiveness, they’re also saving your time and energy. One regulation states: “No motorized vehicles (motor-bikes, mopeds, motorcycles and scooters) may be stored or parked in or near a dormitory.” Thank goodness. Imagine if you kept your moped in your room and had to lug it down two flights of stairs whenever you wanted to go for a brisk ride. Not fun.

Also — I know it’s not the season — but for future reference, you are prohibited from building an igloo inside your room. Lame, I know, but think of all the water stains you’re avoiding. There’s really no cure for water on hardwood.

And, finally, remember: “No items, including antennae, wires, lights, banners, etc., may be placed on or affixed to the exterior of any building.” So take down that Confederate flag.

Tyger Tyger Burning Bright,

— Alexis