Valentine's 2010: #3

Thousands of years ago, if a young cave woman wanted to find out if the clan heartthrob had really given his antelope to the clan slut (the one whose calfskin barely covers her you-know-what), she would have had to do it the hard way - by gossiping with her friends, interpreting his cave drawings and, of course, stalking him feverishly (a practice which was always dangerous during hunting season). Thankfully, in the digital era, we no longer have to physically exert ourselves to keep up with what our crushes are doing - We have Facebook!

Still, while you might imagine that Facebook makes it easier to stalk your crush, you are actually quite mistaken. The information that people provide on their Facebook profiles is generally more frustrating than it is helpful. Yes, you can see that your potential sweetheart's favorite movie is "Being John Malkovich," but is he or she single? Not so clear! Facebook may seem like a stalker's paradise, but as both of us know, dear reader, it takes a true Sherlock Holmes to figure out its intricacies.

Why, for instance, do so few people post their relationship status on their profiles? Do you really want me to go through all your photos attempting to evaluate whether or not you're dating the chick sitting on your lap in your profile picture? Who is that guy you took so many pictures with at Houseparties? And is that your sister or your girlfriend you're holding hands with?

My biggest pet peeve is the "friend marriage," where people post their relationship status as "married to" their best friend. I get it. This is a way of keeping your relationship status personal, while also giving a shout out to your bestie, but I've also seen couples do it, which is aggravating. Are you "married" to your best friend or to your boyfriend? Are you private about your love life or obsessed with the love of your life? Who knows anymore?

One nice thing about Facebook stalking is that you can get a pretty good sense of your victim's personality. If the girl you like is a fan of 800 different pages, that undeniably says something about her - though what exactly that is, I couldn't say. Sometimes, the pages themselves can offer clues into her psyche. My advice: Steer clear of anyone who's a fan of "Creepy, Old Abandoned Houses" or "Nothing is wrong, I'm just in a BAD MOOD, OKAY?!" (these are real pages, in case you were wondering).

But no matter what you learn from your stalking adventures, just make sure not to accidentally mention any of those Facebook tidbits to your crush. Such conversations tend to go something like this:

"How was the party at Dan's? It looks like you had a good time!"

"It was great. Wait, were you there?"

"Oh, no ... I just ... heard some people... talking about it..."

It's bound to get awkward and he will definitely realize that you've been creeping on him. And, while we all do it, that's the last thing we want people to know. Welcome to Facebook - It's the new face of romance.