Editorial: You know you love us

You read our editorials. We know it, and we love you for it. Or, because we don’t use the word “we” out of some misguided sense of grammatical superiority, we say, “This board loves you for reading these editorials.” It’s your thrice-weekly guilty pleasure. We know. You don’t have to make us blush.

As we sat around our meeting table this week while columnists served us grapes and Wilson School professor Stan Katz played a soft violin accompanied by USG president Connor Diemand-Yauman ’10 on the lute, we were struck by a thought. No, not “we love Connor” (though that’s usually what we’re thinking, and trust us, we do) or “we love the American Philosophical Association” (though that’s usually our backup thought, and we do love them too). No, that thought was: We believe in Princeton students. We’re willing to put our reputation on the line each day — not to mention our intellectual honesty — to put something on the page, because we love Princeton.

No issue is too small! No point is too trivial.

Often, people ask us: “Dear Editorial Board, how do you do what you do?”

Well, dear friends, we have one word for you: student input. It’s our go-to receiver. You love it and you want it, and don’t we know it. To tell you the truth, we don’t even care if the administration actually listens to student input. We just want them to pretend to.

Over the past year, we have opined on the USG recommendation referendum (does anyone outside of the USG actually care about this?), how to improve Firestone access for our non-student friends and whether there are enough kitchens in upperclass dorms that don’t need them and don’t want them (and which, if built, would probably piss people off).

Some might say there is no concern too small, no issue too minor and no perceived inequality too slight to merit our attention and misguided suggestions. But we don’t think this characterization is exactly right. We have principles. We stand for things.

What do we stand for, besides student input, you ask? We’re not sure. Well, actually, we like greater transparency. Transparency about the Freshman Scholars Institute, transparency about what those sky-high $40 application fees for Princeton-in-Asia are spent on — there is truly nothing on campus that could not be improved by greater student input or transparency. (Except, perhaps, shower doors.)

On a side note, our dear friend, Paul Ominsky, will assume his new post as Public Safety director later this month, and we can’t tell you how psyched we are about that. We’ll be the first in line at his office hours, and we hope to see you there, too. If you’re not too busy navigating the fairer course registration system we proposed in December, that is. The University is about to adopt it, any day now.

Some will argue against our proposals on rational grounds, to which we say: whatever floats your boat. That’s not our job --- that’s yours, commenters. Incidentally, we were just in the bathroom, and did you realize Princeton doesn’t have two-ply toilet paper?

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.