Ask The Sexpert: Dec. 3, 2009

Dear Sexpert,

I'm having a problem I never expected to have. I'm a girl, and I've been dating my boyfriend for a while now, and I think I've finally found the right guy to lose my virginity to. But every time my boyfriend tries to "put it in," it just won't go in. This has happened several times now, and I'm starting to get worried. What's going on? What do we need to do to enable us to have sex? Is it possible that we just don't fit together?

- Misfit

Dear Misfit,

Many people experience the same sort of issues the first time they try to have sex. It's not uncommon for it to take couples - whether they are new to sex or just new to each other - several attempts to successfully engage in vaginal intercourse. It's highly unlikely that the two of you "just don't fit." You just have to give your body the chance to get used to something new.

First, make sure that you are really ready to have sex. If you feel like maybe this isn't the right time, then your body could just be responding to your emotional discomfort. Be honest with yourself and with your partner. That being said, it's normal to be nervous, and your body may just be reacting to this feeling.

There are several strategies you and your partner can try in order to achieve penetration. The next time you're in the mood, make sure you're in a comfortable, relaxing setting where you can both focus on each other without distractions. Try spending more time on foreplay. This can help not only with vaginal lubrication but with mental and physical relaxation. Keep some lube on hand, and try having your partner start by inserting one finger into your vagina. When this feels comfortable, try having him use two fingers to pleasure you. When he is fully erect and you both feel ready, try penetration. This process may also be made easier if your partner is wearing a lubricated condom and if you are breathing in tandem. Breathing together can help you both relax and focus on each other's bodies. Trying new positions may also help you find the one that works best for both of you.

But if this problem persists, it may be worthwhile for you to make an appointment at McCosh. There is a condition called vaginismus, which is the involuntary clenching of the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina. Just as your eyelid involuntarily closes to protect your eye from foreign objects, some women's vaginas involuntarily clamp shut to protect the vagina from foreign objects - including penises. If you also have discomfort inserting tampons or your fingers into your vagina, vaginismus could be the culprit. Even if this has never been an issue, it may still be a good idea to talk to your doctor: Vaginismus is very treatable, so getting medical help would be worth your time. And while I know this can be awkward, make sure to talk to your partner. He's probably just as confused as you are, and proper communication will help you both relax and have fun.