Dear Sexpert,
My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship, and I was really looking forward to winter break, since I'll have the chance to visit him for a few days before Christmas. Lately though, he keeps mentioning how "in light of the holiday season" he wants me to dress up as his "helper elf." The whole thing makes me uncomfortable - isn't role-play for 40 year olds who have run out of ideas? I want to make him happy, but I think I would be terrible at it and would have no idea what to do. Help!
- Santa's Little Helper
Dear Santa's Little Helper,
Role-play and other games that couples use to "spice up" their sex life can be touchy subjects, so your reluctance is completely understandable. But role-play is more common than you think -and not just for 40 year olds. Just because your boyfriend suggested trying something different doesn't mean things have gone stale between the sheets: A lot of young couples like to experiment with role-play for the sake of being a little adventurous.
That said, don't just do it because it will "make him happy." Ask yourself if you are comfortable with your partner and ready to try something new. You should also consider voicing your concerns to your boyfriend. Communication is one of the key components of any healthy relationship, and a guy who really cares about you will be willing to listen and respect your boundaries. If you do decide you want to walk on the wild side, I can offer some tips on how to make these holidays extra special.
First, you should talk with your partner to pick what scenarios you both would like to try - because if one of you isn't turned on by a particular scenario, it isn't going to be fun for either of you. Next, figure out the background story and your characters' motivations - keeping it simple works just fine. Adding props or costumes can also make things a little more fun. And if you're not ready for physical role-play, you can start out by fantasizing about your desires, which is something you can even try alone during masturbation.
Finally, and most importantly, you and your partner should set boundaries. These may include making no judgmental remarks and clearly defining what you are and aren't comfortable with. You and your partner should create a "safe word," which will stop the role-play immediately if either partner says it. Make it a word that is typically never said during sex, such as "sunglasses," to avoid confusion. This will also help both partners feel comfortable, since there is an escape route if either starts to feel things have gone too far.
Though role-playing can be a merry way to celebrate the holidays, if you choose not to dress up, know that your choice is completely valid and that a caring partner should respect your decision.
- The Sexpert
‘Sexpert' is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don't be shy!
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