Hey Princeton: Money over here!

To my delight, I’ve instead discovered that a carrel is essentially the best place to work — ever. It’s got ample shelving, privacy, quiet (when there aren’t construction crews around drilling and hanging “Caution: Asbestos” signs) and a no-nonsense ambiance that growls, P-Diddy style: Concentrate or die.

Fortunately, most choose to concentrate, and thus is written the senior thesis. But despite Josh Weinstein ’09’s valiant efforts, my newfound home away from home still closes at 11:45 p.m. each day, smack in the middle of students’ most productive writing and study time. Administrators act almost as if they never kept college hours themselves. Seriously, Shirley, you never burned the midnight Canadian oil in your bio lab?

The complaints, I realized, have been right all along: Firestone should stay open longer — until 2 a.m. would be a good start. Equally clear, such a change would cost mucho money, which is a “problemo.” Our job, then, is to identify ways to fund extended hours. My first instinct would be to open Firestone later, but the library already opens at nine, not particularly early. What to do?

First of all, the school must maximize value by employing Firestone’s existing resources. Why, for instance, do we need a “Rare Books” collection? Isn’t it “rare” because people almost never want to see it? And isn’t most of that garbage on Wikipedia anyway? I say sell the whole lot — who knows, we might get a few thousand bucks.

We also underutilize Firestone’s human capital. Why not create a Librarian Swimsuit Calendar for next year? We can stage photo shoots at various sexy locations within Firestone. I hear Miss May (photographed on the reference desk in the Trustee Reading Room) is particularly steamy. You know all the alumni will want one.

Another way to collect some easy money is to partner with our foreign tourist network. Tourists love to take pictures of our beautiful campus, and we love their money! See? Perfect partners. Each photo of an arch, tree or squirrel will cost 10 cents, please. Why, yes, of COURSE you can take a picture with your Orange Key tour guide — but that will be 100 yen, thank you. Your tour, by the way, costs 10 euros. And that admissions booklet in your paws is 20 yuan.

If those initiatives don’t raise enough funds, we will be forced to consider more drastic measures. For example, why not merge sociology and anthropology with their sister cosmetology department? Eliminate redundancies in foreign language instruction by cutting most of them out altogether. Who needs all 12 romance languages, anyway? And some departments can be combined in ways that will benefit key student constituencies. For the ultimate tools, think the “Woodrow Wilson School of International Finance.” For pre-meds who want it all, there’s “Chemical English.” And for lovers of both Miss Cleo and Indiana Jones, we’ll have “Astrophysical Archeology.”

The University has already planned cuts in grad student stipends, so why not take the next step and outsource precepting to India? Videoconferencing works quite well, and we tech-savvy youngsters might be more interested talking to a TV screen than a live person anyway. Plus, with an Indian preceptor, you can be sure he’ll be a native English speaker. Imagine that, and all for pennies on the dollar.

Those saved pennies add up quickly, and there’s no reason the University can’t use its throughways to raise additional change: jaywalking tickets! Sure, you might bristle at the thought of a P-Safe officer sidling up to you, knockoff-Segway sirens blaring, and hitting you with a $80 ticket as you scurry across the street to get to class. But once students are incentivized to cross the street like good citizens, grateful motorists will gladly fork over $1 per vehicle at the new Princeton University Tollbooth, conveniently located at the intersection of Washington and Prospect.

Obviously these ideas are only a starting point, but I estimate the above should raise approximately $634,982 this year alone, more than enough to meet our library’s needs.

But the University obviously has many more opportunities to find spare change. Join the effort! Send your suggestions to President Tilghman (smt@) and tell her how you yearn for extended Firestone hours — because Princeton studies! In the meantime, I’ve got to go; the 11:30 bell just sounded.

Matt Kandel is an economics major from Boca Raton, Fla. He can be reached at mkandel@princeton.edu.