Darwin says: Let us be stupid

During my admittedly short time at Princeton, I’ve felt like I’m missing out on something. Given the current University rules, I will never get to experience the thrill of stealing the clapper from Nassau Hall. I will never get to watch students idiotically run naked through the snow. The University won’t let us. And this isn’t because these activities might injure other people or damage University property. They are afraid that we are threats to ourselves. They are afraid because some student almost died stealing the clapper. They are afraid of frostbite on toes, fingers and penises.

This isn’t specifically about the Nude Olympics or the clapper. It’s part of a larger tirade against these patronizing rules, regulations and organizations that seek to look out for my personal safety. It’s the attitude that administrators know how to keep me safe. Apparently 18 years of survival just isn’t good enough. They still need to make decisions for me. It’s pathetic. It’s completely pathetic. These groups trade away anything fun in life for small measures of safety.

One of the biggest draws for attending Princeton came from a scene in “Across the Universe.” There’s a scene at Princeton in which the characters are hitting golf balls off the top of a building. Personally, I don’t have a very good golf swing, and I respect that pedestrians don’t want to be hit by flying projectiles. But what would be more fun than stargazing, talking or running laps on the roof? Basically any activity you could do on the lawn is about 10 times more fun when done on the roof. But apparently, some guy died at some undefined time in the past. And now we can’t go on the roof anymore.

Look, some people have poor balance. Some people choose to walk on roofs. People who do both of these things tend to end up in pools of blood on the ground. And if you are a young adult between the ages of 17 and 22 attending one of the world’s most prestigious Universities and you lack the sense to use caution while standing on a roof, I’m not sure that we really want you reproducing. I’m not sure that we want copies of you in future generations. Seriously, think of it in terms of natural selection. Your death would probably strengthen the gene pool of the human race. The way I see it, all of these safety rules only protect the people too dumb and too weak to be responsible for themselves, the people that evolution normally selects against. We need stupidly dangerous rituals like walking on roofs, stealing the clapper, running naked in the snow and binge drinking in order to weed out the people who drag us down as a species.

I see death as an inevitable and necessary outcome of life. Advocates for personal safety come from the very naive point of view that “nobody should die or get injured … ever”. Take the Alcohol Coalition Committee and its self-righteous agenda to protect me from so-called “high-risk drinking”. Really, what is “high risk”? It takes a very narrow, cloistered group of people to consider drinking large amounts of alcohol a risky activity. Playing Russian Roulette with uranium bullets on the roof of a burning skyscraper is a risky activity. Juggling Molotov Cocktails in a room full of fireworks while high on mushrooms and LSD is a risky activity. Comparatively speaking, taking some shots of vodka seems pretty innocuous.

It shows that these rules and organizations really have no perspective on the inherent nature of life. Just being alive carries an inherent risk of death. I don’t see the need to get bent out of shape over little things like booze and fiery objects. Sure, you might live a little bit longer. But think about it. Would it be any good to live to be 200 if you spent 199 years with no fun or joy in your life?

I don’t hurt other students when I pre-game with friends. I don’t harm people when I sing loudly on the roof (well, I might, given how bad my singing is). The only person at risk in those cases is myself. If I die doing something stupid like running naked in the snow, at least you can live knowing that I weighed the options, looked at the risks and died having fun. In the inane quest to protect life, we lose everything that makes it worth living. I dream of a Princeton where students can run on the roof while lighting up a fattie. It’s all part of living the high life.

Dylan Shinzaki is a freshman from San Diego, Calif. He can be reached at shinzaki@princeton.edu.