I'd like to thank the Academy

While I may not be able to lend you a hand by working the cameras or writing scripts, I can give you advice on the most important aspect of filmmaking: your Oscar acceptance speech. We've all seen how easily acceptance speeches can go wrong. You thank too many people, and then the music drowns you out. Or you forget what you're going to say, and then you babble on about houseplants. I don't want that to happen to you. So here are some tips on drafting the perfect acceptance speech.

It's pretty darn cliche to thank God for helping you win. Be a bit more original (and topical) by repping Scientology and giving a "big ups" to all your fellow thetans.

If you forget to thank your spouse, at least remember to thank your lover. It's the least you can do.

Make fun of the losers in your category. "Suck it up, Dame Judy Dench."

If you're going to cry, you should try to make it memorable. Put some red food coloring in your tear duct. You won't be the only one onstage shedding tears, but you'll be the only one crying blood! Awesome!

Skip the ceremony, and instruct the person who accepts the award in your place to announce that you're not on location shooting your next film, you're not sick, you're just a badass.

Mention Princeton. A lot. I promise it'll make you sound super smart and important, not obnoxious.

Dedicate the award to an important cause, but make the cause really specific and obscure. "World peace" and "the fight against poverty" are so overdone. What about endangered South American pygmy owls? Who's supporting them?

Of course, in the off chance that you lose, lose with dignity. Or, if you can't pull that off, at least make it memorable. Run on stage when they call your competitor's name. When they tell you that you lost and that the award is for Cate Blanchett, lick the award and say, "It's mine now!"

Take my advice. You'll be both an Oscar winner - or, in the case of the last suggestion, an Oscar nominee - and a YouTube phenomenon!