News & Notes

Borough institutes pre-emptive arrest policy

The Princeton Borough Police will now arrest students on their way out to the Street in an effort to reduce liquor-law violations, Borough Councilman Roger Martindell said at the Borough Council meeting Tuesday night.

“We know that every person who goes to Prospect Avenue without exception is underage and will be illegally served alcohol,” Martindell explained. “These kids are clearly the most irresponsible America has to offer, and must be punished.”

Martindell added that it’s also time for the University to pay the Borough more money, just because.

The announcement came two weeks after the Borough released the results of a recent study revealing that drinking occurs in undergraduate dormitories at the University and that the Earth revolves around the sun.

The Borough Police said they were pleased with the change, noting that it will greatly expedite the justice process.

“We don’t yet have jurisdiction over the dorms, but at least we know that they’ll be drunk by the time we nab them on Washington Road,” Borough Police Lt. David Douche said. “Forcing confessions out of an 18-year-old girl with a BAC of .268 was easy enough, but this just makes it a walk in the park,” he added.

U. takes Princeton Proposition 8 seriously

In a stunning instance of tone-deaf policymaking, Univeristy administrators announced yesterday in an e-mail that they would be taking Princeton Proposition 8 up on its satirical offer and banning all freshmen from University sidewalks.

“This is the first time we’ve seen Princeton students care about anything since the Vietnam War,” Dean of the College Nancy Weiss Malkiel said. “It was the least we could do.”

Members of Princeton Proposition 8 greeted the news with loud cries of, “Are you shitting me?? What the hell?”

“I can’t believe they’re that stupid,” Greenhaired Freshman ’12 said. “I mean, we never expected our protest to have any effect on anything. This is Princeton we’re talking about here.”

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USG President Josh Weinsten sent out a 1,200-word e-mail containing a fabricated account of how he was responsible for the measure’s passage.

“Yeah, I’m not really sure what that’s about,” campus and community affairs chair Cindy Hong ’09, who is also a columnist and like, in every podcast we ever record ever, said. Oh, you didn’t know the ‘Prince’ had podcasts? You should check out our website sometime.

Admissions decisions going live on website

This year, for the first time, the wretched overachieving kid monsters who apply here will be able to check online obsessively every 20 minutes to see if they got in as admissions decisions will be live online.

“You know, we were sitting around talking about it, and we thought, ‘Fuck it! Let’s do it live!’ I’ll write it, and we’ll do it live,” Dean of Admission Janet Rapelye said.

Students around the country who had seen the Bill O’Reilly clip being referenced in this joke story giggled wickedly.

“We really reviewed the process by which we had been apprising students of admission decisions and concluded that the fucking thing sucked,” Rapelye added.

In epic battle vs. Iceland, Princeton gets last laugh

Iceland’s entire govenrment went belly-up financially this semester; Princeton managed to scrape by with mere double-digit endowment losses.

Iceland hates Princeton because columnist and economics professor Uwe Reinhardt wrote a satire piece suggesting we bomb them instead of Iran and nobody realized he was j/k.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.