Closer to home, you might be terrified about rising unemployment, especially in the financial services Princetonians love to enter. I know I am. Searching desperately for some honest work, seniors are finding that many jobs our older friends could count on have been vaporized, and the surviving positions look more competitive than ever before.
Some people grumble that students are just too lazy to explore the options beyond firms that recruit at the Nassau Inn and sometimes Triumph. Well, we're not. To prove all the haterz wrong, I've set out on an epic internet journey to discover my calling.
It began last week when a friend forwarded an ad from Career Services for a 7-11 clerk in Canada. Actually, more than a clerk: the very "face" of 7-11. I'm totally down to work the register and sell lottery tickets and stuff. Too bad there was this narsty part about cleaning the store ... does that include bathrooms? Yuck. Honestly, I don't want to move to Canada anyway.
I decided to branch out further at monster.com over the weekend. Immediately, my eye caught a box seeking "garbage recycling laborers" in Yaphank, N.Y. Pulling recyclables off a conveyor belt full of garbage sounds kind of fun, and the hours weren't too bad. Plus, you know what they say about one man finding another man's trash on a conveyer belt: Finders, keepers. I was a little confused by the ad, though. It said "no skills needed." Is that even possible? I mean, avoiding needles and dog poop coming down the line must take some skill, no? In any case, I've got nunchuck skills, so I'm disqualified.
Now, I'm sitting here, desperate for something demanding more resourcefulness, or really any resourcefulness at all. I'm browsing this website called eHow, which channels your pluck and luck into a successful career. For instance: I could be a male escort (and so could you). No, seriously. It's pretty simple. There are only five steps. First: "Always look your best." That's not an issue for me, maybe for you. Step two: "No offensive body odor." Well, I've been using deodorant for about six months, so check. Step three: "You may be required to dance with your date." Oy vey, me not good. I'll just have to bribe the DJ to play only slow dances so I can sway side to side, middle school style. Step four: "Find an escort agency that is looking for escorts." AKA any street corner! High five! And finally: "Check the laws in your state ... A male escort is not the same thing as a male prostitute." Wait, what? It's not? Oh...
There goes that. Woah, cool, eHow also teaches "How to become a mobster." Saweeeet. Mobsters get the girls, the money, free food at the Olive Garden, and the ability to give narcs and poorly performing mobster competitors cement boots and throw them in the East River. Also, I can definitely see my background helping me in the position. I mean, I grew up in New Jersey, and my Cadillac's trunk is totally big enough to fit two or three corpses, easy breezy. I'd also need a mobster name. Well, I've been called Kandy Kane from time to time, but that sounds more like a male escort, so I'll have to think of something better. EHow also says a true mobster will "stop talking." That makes sense; nobody likes a snitch. Except the Honor Committee. Well, They're not welcome in my mob anyway. But this part is a deal breaker: "If your real family's not into it, advertise for a new one on Craigslist." Hold up, eHow - You think I should have two mothers asking if I'm eating enough? Thanks, but no thanks.
If there's one thing my voyage through cyberspace has taught me thus far, it's that there are plenty of jobs out there. Unfortunately, I have also learned that I cannot or will not do any of them. Am I going to have to lower my standards? Or will someone else have to lower theirs? I don't know, but Barack Obama has given me hope that somewhere out there lies a tangent to my highest indifference curve. In the mean time, I'm off to answer Courtney Love's Craigslist post for a new housekeeper...
Matt Kandel is an economics major from Boca Raton, Fla. He can be reached at mkandel@princeton.edu.
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