This year, however, Houseparties is under attack from rain, pop-punk and wayward Bloods. Fortunately, your boy the Weather Bro is here to answer your urgent FAQs.
Q: I hear it’s going to rain this weekend? Is this your fault?
A: While the prospect of storms each day is troubling, it’s not quite as bad as it appears. For Friday and Saturday, afternoon thunderstorms will be isolated, so more than likely we’re talking no or brief precip. The situation for Sunday is worrisome, with a line of heavier showers passing through sometime during the day. Our best hope is for the line to pass through before noon, but I’m not very confident that will happen. And yes, this is something I did. By all means, get angry at me personally.
Q: New Found Glory?!
A: To entice non-drinkers to campus, Alcohol Initiative money can only be used for bands that maximize the number of 14 year olds dropped off by their moms. This is why previous acts in Quad’s Bad Taste Music Series include Less Than Jake, Rihanna and Everclear.
Q: Who would win in a fight between Stacy’s mom and Jesse’s girl? How many 5 year olds could they take?
A: False. They are actually the same person.
Q: Is there a code of ethics I can follow to fully unleash the bro I know I am?
A: Yes. These rules are collectively known as Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws of Brobotics.
Law #1: A bro shall select potential mates on the one-point criterion of, “Is she fat?”
Law #2: A bro shall acknowledge the solidness of fellow bros with an upward and slightly-to-the-left head nod.
Law #3: A bro shall wear no baseball cap for which the brim does not meet minimum standards of frayage.
And remember, because Houseparties is a classy affair, every effort should be made to maintain high standards of sparkling, cultured repartee this weekend. This unspoken rule is exemplified by the following conversation.
BRO 1: Bro, Emily Bronte is def. the hottest Bronte sister.
BRO 2: Dude, no way is Charlotte Bronte hotter than the E-Surance girl!
BRO 3: Bro! Totally! Bro!
BRO 1: [woots]
BROS 1, 2, and 3: [exchange high fives, begin singing chorus of “Cherry Pie”]
In general, this weekend should closely follow the template of beer commercials from the 1986-89 golden age. If you can’t look yourself in the mirror and honestly say, “I am America’s #1 party animal,” you’re doing it wrong. So, wake ’n bake, brohans: Here’s wishing you a brosick and bronasty weekend replete with pwnage. Awkward and upward.
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