100 years, 100 columns

It’s been a big week for me, Weather Fans. I handed in my thesis, shaved the thesis beard and appeared on the cover of Monday’s newspaper in a bathrobe, a guaranteed sign of an epic weekend. But today is the biggest landmark of all: the publication of the 100th weather column. I’ll pause while a montage of Weather Guy memories set to “Good Riddance” plays in your head.

Lesser entities like Hyundai, Kia or Taco Bell would mark the anniversary with a Sale-a-bration, offering low APR financing or 100 tacos for $100; I, however, have been inspired by the example of the Crystal Tiger, the most prestigious award given to any M-list or above celebrity who will pick it up, to once again honor those whose careers have made extraordinary contributions to trash culture. The winners of the 2008 Crystal Liger Awards are…

The Spuds MacKenzie Medal in Television and Cinema: Without question, “Iron Man” is a fine film. It has everything I ask for in a summer blockbuster: killbots, evil Jeff Bridges and outstanding product placement of the Iron Whopper. It is also redundant. Why? Because “Steel” came out 11 years ago, also featuring a supersuited hero. And “Steel” starred Shaquille O’Neal, the most versatile triple threat of our generation. Consider:

— “Shaq Fu” for Sega Genesis, in which Shaq battles an evil mummy named Sett-Ra, is widely held to be the worst video game ever made.

— Twenty-seven copies of “Kazaam” on VHS are currently available on amazon.com, starting at $0.01.

— “Ali ali ali bama/ Go tell your pops and your momma/ That Shaq is that man/ Period, comma.”

I have nothing to add to that. Like his hustle points in Miami and Phoenix, however, Shaq’s trash cultural output has declined precipitously in this decade. Our panel agrees that he needs to appear in at least one of the upcoming Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay films to secure his legacy: “National Treasure: Ranch of Dressing,” in which Nicholas Cage unlocks the low-fat secrets of mythical Hidden Valley Ranch, or “The Never-ending Explosion,” featuring two hours of pulsating, full-screen fireballs.

The Dave Thomas Memorial Award in Bidness and Technology: In these troubled times, we want to believe that the mistakes we’ve made can be reversed. If we spill red wine on a blouse, we want to harness the awesome cleansing power of oxygen, nature’s stain-annihilating miracle element, to scour it out. And when America spills transmission fluid on a Burberry rug, only Billy Mays is there with the ultraconcentrated Orange Glo we crave. Wow!

In many ways, Mr. Mays is a dreamer. The first to harness the awesome power of the Hercules Hook to store coats, backpacks and more, he doubles and triples orders at will, even throwing in the Super Chamonix at his own personal expense. When they said it was impossible to make restaurant-style onion appetizers in just seconds, he looked us in the eye and said no. It can be done with the Vidalia Slice Wizard, for only $19.99.

So dry those tears, Weather Fans (preferably with Zorbeez). In Billy Mays’ world, redemption is only one star wipe away, elapsed time: 11 minutes. And just for that, I’m offering the unbeatable anniversary deal of 200 tacos for $100. But you have to act now because this limited time offer will soon be gone forever. Period, comma.