Weather is FUNdamental

Anyhow, after last Friday's announcement, Weather Guy World Ministries has been inundated with contest entries ranging to from R. Kelly's "Ignition (Thesis)" to Weird Al's submission of "One Head Lice," which was disqualified for parodying the Wallflowers and not the thesis-writing process. After careful consideration, our judges have awarded the grand prize Hilary Vaughn Dobel '08, who answered my 3 a.m. call for content with a takeoff on one of the hottest tracks by Kenny Loggins, who is best known for crotch stuffing, appearing in elementary school library "Reading is FUNdamental" posters from 1987-91 and being unaffiliated with the failed Kenny Rogers' Roasters casual dining chain. Which bumpin' Loggins tune are we talking? Not the one from the "Top Gun" soundtrack. Not the other one from the "Top Gun" soundtrack. Not even "I'm Alright." "Footloose," people, "Footloose." Got it loaded up on the ol' Intertubes? Good. Here we go:

I been working so hard,

I got my library card.

Eight pages, for what?

Oh, tell me what I got -

I got this thesis,

And it's just holding me down.

No, I don't need this,

But I want that cap and gown.

Tonight I gotta write.

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(Chorus)

Fast, and loose.

Wikipedia = truth.

Please, trustees,

Just let us have our degrees.

Back, to the stacks

Before my adviser cracks.

Lose your blues,

YouTube, be my muse.

You're playing so cool

With MLA rules.

Dig down in Microforms;

You're typing, typing 'til some,

Somebody tells you

That nobody's gonna read this

Unless your husband runs for office,

So you might as well not even try.

The end is nigh...

So you might as well cut

(Chorus)

Loose. Misuse

Of syntax is not excused.

Ibid. Op cit.

Footnotes = pages for free.

Whoa, I know,

Just take it Pequod and go.

Lose your blues.

Everybody here is screwed.

FIRST: You need a title that confounds!

SECOND: You got to get the thing bound!

THIRD: Prepare your adviser for the inevitable boredom and disappointment that will undoubtedly come about during the reading of your thesis!

FOUR: Whooooooooa, and then you'll be

Loose ... FOOTLOOSE.

So congratulations, Hilary, you're the winner of a fabulous Weather Guy Prize Pak consisting of a Captain Planet and the Planeteers tote bag, a VG+ copy of Rush's 1981 prog masterpiece "Moving Pictures" and a promissory note for one million Weather Guy Fun Bucks, the official reserve currency of fun. And remember, collect 700 million and redeem for your very own Harrier jump jet with vertical takeoff capabilities. Spencer, if I were you, I'd be reaching for that underwater Fun Buck right about now.