Frist Campus Center, April 21, 8:40 p.m.
A University student associated with the USG reported an amendment missing from constitution. Officer dispatched to location. Upon arrival, student found missing amendment on computer. Disgruntled officer advised student to look harder in the future. Report filed; case closed.
East Pyne Courtyard, April 22, 8:02 a.m.
A Firestone Library staff worker reported a large dildo placed in the open hand of the John Witherspoon statue. No suspects were developed. An officer arrived on the scene and removed the object. Officer failed to place dildo in evidence locker. Report filed; internal investigation to continue.
Forbes College, April 23, 9:55 a.m.
A University staff worker reported a Forbes student resident collapsed from fatigue. A Public Safety officer transported student to UHS. Student complained of excessive walking to E-Quad and Friend Center and reported symptoms of exhaustion and leg cramps. UHS staff treated student with bike. Report filed; case referred.
Cafe Vivian, April 23, 10:05 a.m.
A Frist Dining Services worker reported multiple students armed with rifles had held multiple workers hostage in Cafe Viv in Frist Campus Center. Students protested the transformation of Cafe Viv into an organic foodstuff vendor and demanded the return of coffee to Cafe Vivian. Upon arrival, Public Safety officers were fired upon. Officers responded by pelting assailants with oranges and muffins from Witherspoon Sweets until PBPD arrived. Upon arrival of PBPD, Public Safety officers had been taken hostage. Report filed; negotiations to continue.
Spelman Hall, April 24, 11:23 a.m.
Two Spelman residents reported an elderly female University administrator with a dog vandalizing Spelman Hall. Two officers were dispatched immediately to the scene. Vandalism consisted of red spray paint reading "Now owned by Whitman." Public Safety notified Building Services for removal of graffiti. Report filed; case referred.
Dillon Gym, April 24, 11:55 p.m.
A University student reported an altercation between two teams competing in the Dodgeball Tournament. Officers reported to the scene. Upon officers' arrival, the altercation became a fight. One side, the Chess Club, claimed the other side, the Figure Drawing Club, did not know how to draw. The other team claimed the Chess Club "sucked" at chess. Suspects could not be identified. Report filed; case referred.
Cleveland Lane, April 25, 4:45 p.m.
A University student reported multiple town residents vandalizing a sidewalk on Cleveland Lane. Public Safety notified Princeton Borough Police Department and reported to the scene. Officers observed Cleveland Lane residents attempting to install granite slabs into sidewalk. Residents were apprehended and brought in for questioning. Granite was confiscated and is planned for use on a campus walkway in the near future. Report filed; case referred.
Cannon Green, April 26, 2 a.m.
A University student reported hearing lots of squeaks outside her dormitory. Officers reported immediately to the scene. Upon arrival officers saw a large number of rabbits harassing and assaulting a pair of squirrels. Officers intervened and all suspects and victims were brought in for questioning. Apparent cause of the fight was discontent among the rabbit community with respect to recent posters that promoted squirrels as "Quintessentially Princeton" and implied that squirrels represented the "Spirit of Princeton." Rabbits stated they desired greater campus representation and demanded a Rabbit Studies course program. Report filed; case referred.
Wilson College, April 26, 8:15 p.m.
A Dining Services student worker reported "slave-like" conditions in the Butler/Wilson kitchen. Officers were dispatched to the scene to investigate. Officers discovered managers using whips and student workers' legs shackled to the ground. Student workers' clothing was tattered and necks were branded with "PUDS." Managers were arrested and turned over to PBPD. Students were transported to UMCP. Report filed; case referred to The Daily Princetonian; investigation to continue.
Joline Hall, April 27, 3:40 a.m.
A University student reported she misplaced her virginity in boyfriend's dormitory earlier that night and could not find it. Officers assisted in conducting a full room search for said virginity. Boyfriend was held for questioning and subsequently released. After one hour of search said virginity could not be found. Boyfriend later suggested virginity had not existed before. Report filed; investigation to continue.
Ben Chen is a mechanical and aerospace engineer from Los Altos, Calif. He can be reached at bc@princeton.edu.
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