Weather Fans, you might think that as central New Jersey’s fourth most popular weather parodist, my life would be all Plinko and Chia Pets, but really, it’s just full of annoying bullcrap. For instance, earlier this week I was perfectly set up for a Tetris, but got nine consecutive squares. It was frustrating. Being a Cleo Lemon-era Miami Dolphins fan is frustrating. Alanis Morissette calling things ironic when they are merely frustrating is frustrating. And this past winter? Definitely, definitely frustrating.
Since late December, New Jersey has been trapped like a poor COS 126 student in an unclosed for loop of mild rainy days followed by stretches of useless cold, dry weather, a streak that will be extended following heavy rains of one to two inches today and tomorrow. Personally, this lack of snow ruined my plans to go sledding at the abandoned Belle Mountain Ski Resort in Lambertville, which is consistently ranked among New Jersey’s most haunted abandoned ski resorts by “Weird NJ” magazine. If you’re blaming this snow dearth on climate change, however, please remember that global warming isn’t all bad: As the Eastern Seaboard’s temperatures moderate, the breeding range of Waffle House will move steadily north, bringing advanced 24/7 breakfast-disbursement technology to the Northeast’s major trucking corridors. Several outlying models even project a fully scattered, smothered and covered Downeast Maine by 2050.
ANYWAY, much like “her death gel” being an anagram of Heath Ledger unambiguously presaged his untimely demise, a continuing La Nina strongly favors a wet and cold spring. This means I forecast the pattern for the next few weeks to be an unfulfilling tease on par with Ratt’s 1984 hit “Round and Round,” which despite multiple refrains of “Round and round/ What comes around goes around/ I’ll tell you why,” never actually tells you why. Possibly, this omission is a meta-textual arrow pointing to the aching incompleteness of interpersonal relationships, but come on. We’re talking about Ratt here. According to VH1 Classic, its bassist was actually a talking block of cocaine.
It’s no wonder, then, that America needs an economic stimulus package of tax refunds, E-Z credit, and 12 additional Cash Cabs to snap out of its malaise. In fact, I propose even more decisive action in the form of a rockonomic stimulus package that will both lend Rick Nielsen the funds to purchase crucial additional necks for his guitars and grant every American the 300 seconds of Star Power we need to nail those tricky red-green-red-blue/yellow-blue/yellow-tap yellow-hold orange (whammy bar) solos. In conclusion, the Weather Guy endorses Ron Paul for Young Alumni Trustee.
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