Unlike this weekend’s continued obnoxious, cold yet rainy weather, Democratic primary season is paradoxically both heating up and almost over. This week, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) pledged to collect all seven Chaos Emeralds as president, which would allow him to transition into a “super form” and unlock a powerful new spin attack on Big Pharma, led by Dr. Robotnik. Meanwhile, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) is highly critical of this claim, noting her trademark yellow-and-black suit symbolizes preparedness to transform into the lightning-fast 2009 Chevy Camero on her first day in office.
Not surprisingly, our beloved corner of the Garden State is under the Hannetizing electron microscope, this time in the person of Michelle Obama ’85, whose controversial thesis “PLZ READ 4 MINUTE HOOKUP SURVEY WIN $$$$$!!!” was recently released by the University. Ten days ago, Obama remarked that she was proud of America for the “first time in her adult life,” which was odd because she said this the same week we totally exploded this friggin’ satellite with this huuuuuuge fireball. Mrs. Obama, with all due respect, from Knoxville’s resplendent SunSphere to the novelty singing fish that line the walls of our dens, the USA is a land of majesty and name-brand merchandise at low, low prices. Do you feel nothing when the McRib returns to participating McDonald’s? Each time Sam’s Club Americanizes a foreign-sounding last name for just $14.87? Most shockingly, was your icy heart not melted on July 4, 2007, when Joey “Jaws” Chestnut returned the Mustard Belt to the United States after a seven-year draught by engorging a stunning 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes? After I watched Joey Jaws triumph on ESPN: The Ocho, I cried a single tear, which a bald eagle then swooped down and licked off my face in mid-flight.
Obama’s shame is justified, however, if it was in reference to the Princeton Borough Council, whose refusal to release a crucial portion of an August meeting has shocked public-access TV superfans. Weather Guy Investigations can exclusively bring you these minutes, obtained at the cost of many Bothan lives. (Note: If you got that joke, you will never be in a meaningful relationship. Sorry.)
6:16 p.m.: Hooded robes distributed; Cthulhu invoked. Fealty pledged to Cthulhu.
6:24 p.m.: Arby’s roast beef sandwiches distributed.
6:25 p.m.: Arby’s roast beef sandwiches ritualistically consumed.
6:37 p.m.: Council chair Alistair LaVey recognized Borough resident Ethyl Morgenstein, who claimed loud music emanating from eating clubs on Saturday nights is disturbing her cats’ sleeping patterns, causing Baxter and Mr. Mittens to be restless and irritable the following day.
6:44 p.m.: Chair voiced long-term support for widening Prospect Avenue to a 12-lane superhighway; meanwhile promised to harass Will Scharf ’08 with frivolous charges and Santeria. Motion seconded; motion passed unanimously.
6:50 p.m.: Councilman Les Whinen expressed resident concerns that only 87 percent of cars on Borough roads after dark are police vehicles. Target of 99.97 percent proposed. 1,380 officers hired.
7:06 p.m.: Spending omnibus for robe cleaning, live chickens, police state and Arby’s passed unanimously.
Stay tuned for next week, when I break the story that Space Camp is actually a training ground for young Illuminmrrrrph.
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For more than a century, Princeton seniors have donned “beer jackets” to protect their clothes during Reunions and commencement celebrations, typically with elaborate designs chosen by a class-wide contest. Now, with a selection process marred by accusations of generative AI use, the Class of 2026 may have written its own spot in Princeton history.