Nava '09 sees UFO, converts to Scientology

A month after he drew national attention for claiming he had been threatened for his beliefs and subsequently assaulted with an Orangina bottle, Francisco Nava '09 has reported a still more traumatic experience: alien abduction.

Nava claims the kidnapping occurred around 7 p.m. Saturday evening on Witherspoon Street. "I was just out for a walk, minding my own business, looking for a brick wall that would be suitable for my nightly head massage," he said. "Suddenly, I heard this high-pitched noise and some sort of weird clicking. I turned around and there was this bizarre-looking creature waddling toward me." Its features, he recalled, included "green tentacles and eyeballs all over its face."

The alien, Nava said, told him in a "robot-like monotone" that its friend had passed out due to lack of helium and needed help. Nava followed the alien to the alley where it claimed its friend lay prostrate, but realized — too late — that he had been tricked. "I looked up and saw this giant tractor beam coming down toward me from a spaceship overhead," he said. "It was a trap. I tried to get out of the way, but I couldn't run fast enough to avoid the tractor beam."

As he was sucked upwards into the mother ship, he heard "loud throbbing, kind of like bad 1970s disco music," Nava said. The last thing he could remember was lying on the floor of the spaceship with several of the green-tentacled aliens staring curiously down at him, studying him with their plentiful eyeballs.

"Eventually, I just blacked out," Nava said.

When he came to, Nava said, it was around 7:30 p.m. and he was lying on the ground on Witherspoon Street. Overhead, the spaceship was no longer in sight. He used his cell phone to call 911 and was taken to the University Medical Center at Princeton (UMCP) to be treated for "minor bruises."

A UMCP spokeswoman declined to comment on Nava's condition, citing patient confidentiality. Borough Police spokesman Lt. David Dudeck said the incident is "under investigation," adding that FBI paranormal investigators have been notified, but declined to elaborate.

Nava expressed concern that his abduction is connected to threats he has been receiving over the past few months, apparently in connection with his public opposition to surrendering Earth's government to rule by extraterrestrial life forms. Recently, he said, he received emails with menacing messages including "life as you know it will be destroyed," "mankind is doomed" and "all your base are belong to us." Additionally, several weeks ago, he returned to his dorm and found that a note covered in green slime had been slipped under his door, telling him to "surrender, puny human."

Nava, however, said he is undeterred by the experience and remains confident that authorities will do all they can to bring justice to his green-hued kidnappers. "I'm still committed to having the beliefs that I do, and I hope that Princeton will show these aliens that intimidation doesn't work," he said.

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.