In what some are calling the most brazen act of female supervillainy since the enactment of grade deflation, the Princeton community was shocked early Wednesday by the overnight disappearance of Nassau Hall at the hands of alleged double-dealing diva Carmen Sandiego. The incident, latest in a decades-long string of thefts involving well-known landmarks, is under investigation by ACME Crimenet, a division of Public Safety dedicated to solving cases related to basic geography.
In a message to the student body, ACME Special Agent Greg Lee revealed details of the caper. "Gumshoes! This email is to inform you of the theft of Nassau Hall, a noted campus edifice. Between approximately 6 p.m. Tuesday and 8:45 a.m. today, an unkempt white male on a oversized motorcycle, extremely muscular Hispanic female with large green hair, and a pair of conjoined black-and-white twins lifted the building off its foundations using some sort of giant cartoon helicopter. These henchpeople are believed to have acted at the behest of Carmen Sandiego, a woman who once — literally — made Antarctica cry uncle. While we believe Carmen is in Europe's third busiest port, until her capture, please heed the following safety tips: Refrain from propping open doors. Do not leave buildings unattended. And if you know which South American country is famous for extensive grasslands called pampas, please immediately contact The Chief."
"Wooo, The Chief, woooooo wooooo woooo woooooooo, The Chief," added Rockapella.
Sandiego, who rose to international prominence with the 1983 theft of the beans from Lima, returned to the headlines in 2005 with a bold daylight heist of the Grand Canyon. The landmark remained missing until August of 2007, when Google Maps user SublimeFan420 located the iconic chasm on the Norwegian island of Svalbard. Sandiego, reported to have run a scam in Scandinavia in the late 1980s, was never formally charged in connection with the incident.
In contrast, Public Safety's investigations record is decidedly mixed. While the track locker room flasher was eventually determined to be Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, the bizarre death of Laura Palmer '91 has remained unsolved by ACME for nearly seventeen years. Recently, the agency has come under fire for its controversial policy of appointing sleuths as young as nine to engage Ms. Sandiego in a grueling global pursuit, as well as the perceived inadequacy of the Acme Travel Kits provided to agents.
The outside hire of Rockapella as resident vocal troupe also has provoked a backlash. Said PrinceTones sophomore Scott Tenorman, "Were none of our own 227 a capella groups up to this task?" Other students blamed Administration policy for the theft. Posting on the Princeton Tory's blog, ReaganLuv86 opined, "By blaming America first with a toxic cocktail of radical feminism and Islamofascist extremism, Shirley Tilghman practically rolled out the red carpet for this villainatrix. P.S. If Carmen Sandiego wants to steal me, come and get me."
In a characteristic supernova of journalistic excellence, The Daily Princetonian can reveal the missed warning signs leading up to the attack, thought to be motivated by the rejection of Ms. Sandiego's daughter Kristyn last April. A high-level source in the Admissions Office told the 'Prince,' "Frankly, no one here knew what to think when Kristyn's application arrived featuring an obviously doctored photo of the Arc de Triomphe straddling Washington Road, with 'I CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN' scrawled on it in red lipstick. Two weeks later, Carmen called to offer a donation of five hundred thousand ACME crime bucks, as well as a free trip to any location in the lower 48. 'I didn't spend all that [expletive deleted] money on Kaplan for nothing.' She kept repeating that. I just wish we'd listened to Fred," referring to former Dean of Admission Fred Hargadon's largely ignored 1998 memo, "Carmen Sandiego Determined to Strike in Princeton."
Nevertheless, Lee, dapper in a purple zoot suit and matching lime green fedora, remained positive at an afternoon press conference and defended ACME's progress. "While a worrisome report indicates that Ms. Sandiego may have obtained time-traveling technology, by correctly identifying Asia as the most populated continent, we've already obtained the warrant for her arrest."
"The WAR-rant," echoed Rockapella.
ACME Chief Lynne Thigpen concurred with Lee's optimistic assessment, adding, "Here's a list of places Carmen may have traveled: New Brunswick... Metuchen... Rahway... Secaucus... Metropark... Elizabeth... North Elizabeth... Jersey Avenue! Sleuths! Let's go to the map!" Thigpen then led a group of third-graders onto a basketball court-sized map of central New Jersey.
In related news, Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel has been missing since Tuesday and is assumed to have been sleeping in Nassau Hall at the time of its theft.
This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.
Read More
Asbestos removal work continues from prior summer in 1901-Laughlin Hall
Ben GoldstonAsbestos is currently being removed from 1901-Laughlin Hall as part of ongoing summer renovations. The dorm is vacant, and air quality tests have confirmed levels remain below EPA safety thresholds.
Asbestos is currently being removed from 1901-Laughlin Hall as part of ongoing summer renovations. The dorm is vacant, and air quality tests have confirmed levels remain below EPA safety thresholds.
Head of DC comics among eight alumni elected to 2025–2026 Board of Trustees
Vitus LarrieuEight alumni have been selected to join the Board of Trustees from July 1, including president, publisher, and chief creative officer of DC Comics Jim Lee. Six former trustees ended their terms on June 30, increasing the total number of trustees to 39.
Eight alumni have been selected to join the Board of Trustees from July 1, including president, publisher, and chief creative officer of DC Comics Jim Lee. Six former trustees ended their terms on June 30, increasing the total number of trustees to 39.
Andrew Houck ’00 will be new Dean of Engineering and Applied Science
Devon RudolphThe Daily Princetonian spoke to Andrew Houck ’00, the new Dean of the School of Engineering and Applied Science, about his commitment to rebuilding the deteriorating relationship between higher education and the federal government, as well as his goals of restoring the public's faith in the sciences.
The Daily Princetonian spoke to Andrew Houck ’00, the new Dean of the School of Engineering and Applied Science, about his commitment to rebuilding the deteriorating relationship between higher education and the federal government, as well as his goals of restoring the public;s faith in the sciences.