Weather Fans, there are certain things that merit drawing a line in the sand, a line you do not cross. Among these are rattails, Dollywood, the self-awareness of Skynet and the synthesizers at the beginning of "Jump," which held the title of most painful jump in history until the Propeller Guy in "Titanic." To this list, we can safely add gray midwinter days. Will these conditions continue? Find out in the forecast below, yours absolutely free! (If you do not cancel* your subscription, however, future columns at a cost of $29.99 each will be sent to you each week.)
It's been a frigid week. So cold, in fact, that had you been caught outdoors, the only way to survive would have been to sleep inside a Tauntaun, though Jeremiah Johnson would have made an attempt by gathering wolverine pelts and killing a ton of Indians for no reason. Fortunately for you, highs climb into the mid 40s this weekend, with overnight temperatures only falling into the upper 30s for the big Enchantment Under the Sea dance. There is also a chance of rain each day through Monday, which raises an interesting point. What exactly do rain/snow chances mean, anyway? Well, as you can imagine, we do things a little different at the WeatherCenter9000000+. Our proprietary rubric is below:
0 percent: Percentage of Jay-Z's problems caused by females. Also, the combined Luckiness, Crunchiness and Pertness of numbers other than seven.
25 percent: Jesus signing on to AIM 12 hours before the Rapture. This is a good enough possibility that the screen name "Jesus" is on my buddy list. So far, nothing.
50 percent: Odds that Bill Belichick is a Sith Lord. We know he is a Sith ... but is he the master or the student? Donald Rumsfeld '54 would classify this as a known unknown.
75 percent: Likelihood a Republican senator will be arrested in the ball pit of a Discovery Zone before the 2008 election.
100 percent: Chance that if I die, my face will appear in a grilled cheese or breakfast pastry within 36 hours. I also refuse to rule out a cameo appearance on "Crossing Over."
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Reunions, Commencement see isolated demonstrations as U. tightens protest warnings
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