Yule Fans, ever since Jimmy Stewart '32 singlehandedly saved Princeton from being renamed Pottersville University in the Depression with his folksy everyman appeal, the holidays have been a time of hope and renewal on campus. This is fortunate because not only has recent weather really sucked, but it's been a rough year generally. In addition to discovering that cashing out home equity with Usury King Payday Loan during a commercial break in "Judge Joe Brown" is maybe not such a good idea, U.S. Americans had serious trouble with spreading education to areas like such as South Africa and The Iraq. And who among us will forget where we were when the Gainesville Bro-Tazing shocked a nation? I, for one, welcome our new 2008 overlords.
Luckily for you, I hear the Hess truck approaching, loaded with goodies for Weather Fans young and old. The tradition of Christmas gifts, of course, goes back to shortly after the birth of Jesus, when Christ was presented with gold, frankincense and a Lexus LS300 topped with a ludicrously oversized bow; in that munificent spirit, here's this year's loot. No shaking necessary.
For snow lovers: While the recent lack of Sun has fit well with New Jersey's state motto ("New Jersey Is for Lovers ... of Grim Existentialism!"), slush and rain are hardly festive. I can report, however, that the next storm, rolling in Saturday night and continuing Sunday, presents a better chance for respectable snow accumulations. I'm not saying we'll stay all snow: A changeover to rain will happen Sunday morning, but a couple of inches of back-edge accumulation are possible. It'll be followed by cold but clear conditions.
For novelty rap fans: One disconcerting trend this decade has been the decline of Will Smith novelty raps to accompany Will Smith action films, a tendency causally linked to the global energy crisis. Take "I Am Legend," sure to be two hours of popcorn-munching, zombie-fighting dreck. In an ideal world, not only would a danceably smooth novelty rap with ample na na nas, hahas and wooos be flooding the airwaves right about now, but the Legend Whopper would be available for a limited time at participating Burger King locations. So, filled with Christmas spirit, I'm stepping up to fill the gaping chasm in trash culture with a bumpin' track I call, "Zombies Just Don't Understand (Gunz Blazin')."
Mike check, mike check,
Na na na, na na na na
In the Will2k plus zero ten
A nasty virus did us in
Men in Black, up and failed ya
James West did not avail ya
And, no, I ain't joking ya
Rolling my whips through dystopia (wooo!)
Overgrown Big Apple, falling apart
Looks like the Garden Center of a K-Mart
Zombies think they'll eat my brains and
What they're getting is two guns blazin'
Nothing short of amazing
I'm surviving days and days
On end! Haha haha, na na na na
Bad skin and ugly teeth
They can't even rock this beat
Mad Langolier skills to make the kills
My philosophy: Triumph of the Will
Undead try to flex on me, unlikely
Throwing 'bows like Rony Seikaly
And suckers whose bets are hedging
Did y'all forget? I am legend! (wooo!)
[Chorus]
I'm gonna bounce through Midtown
Kicking rhymes and getting down
Reclaiming Earth in the name of man (na na na)
'Cause zombies just don't understand!
That'll do it for me in the Will2k7. Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls, na na na, haha haha, woooo.
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