Encyclical Letter Summa Meteorologica, by the hand of His Snarkiness Earnhardt III, Weather Guy of all Princeton. Dictated via GTE Airfone, official telecommunications provider of the Weather Papacy, and translated from Latin.
WHEREAS, the Weather Guy is the undisputed Vicar of Weather in Princeton, the fruit of an unbroken line of pilgrim Guys, except for a period in the 19th century during which usurpers profaning the throne operated out of Rutgers. Whatever, those guys were jerks. We shook them haters off.
And WHEREAS, the rise of the Weather Guy was unambiguously foreseen in the "Prophecies" of Nostradamus, most notable notably in Quatrain LXIII: "In the time of five blood moons/ A two-headed lion shall swim the Adriatic/ A Guy will rise from Shadrach's line/ He might write some stuff, possibly/ Maybe." Additionally, his legitimacy has since been confirmed by a known accurate* Magic 8-Ball.
And WHEREAS, since March 2005 the Weather Guy has rammed home forecasts like Dominique Wilkins' windmill jams, been quick on the trash cultural draw like the explosive first step of Spud Webb and overtaxed 1990 Atlanta Hawks metaphors in the manner of Kevin Willis' workmanlike post play.
THUS, noting the rise of such groups as Superchabad (followers of the prophet McUnlevened) and thinking that he might as well, the Weather Guy hereby invokes a permanent and ex cathedra DOCTRINE OF INFALLIBILITY. This shall apply retroactivity to the entirety of the canon and in future perpetuity to all who reply to the 'Prince's' ad in the back of "Soldier of Fortune" and subsequently hold this chair.
THEREFORE, from this day forth, it is decreed that all those who present a signed parental form verifying they have read four encyclicals will be entitled to a free Personal Pan Pizza at participating Pizza Hut locations. Redeem this weekend to take advantage of unseasonable humidity and warmth, with nearly fullsun and highs in the mid 80s through Monday.
From this day forth, lower back butterfly tattoos, also known as "Tramp Stamps," are necessary cause for excommunication.
Furthermore, this space shall now provide timely updates on Bat Boy, as the closure of the "Weekly World News" with Bat Boy in Afghanistan leading the hunt for bin Laden is an affront to humanity. Without the WWN, who will cover other important stories such as Six-Headed Cat Stuns Scientists and the Nostradamus Diet Miracle (The Seven Herbs That Let You See the Future), CNN? Not likely. CNN has a well-known anti-Nostradamus bias.
Finally, the alpaca, Nature's Miracle Ungulate, shall heretofore be known as the official herdstock of the Weather Guy. To secure your financial future with these beautiful, even-tempered creatures, begin your alpaca adventure by calling 1-800-4ALPACA today.
Until next time, this is the Weather Pope reminding you that irony is like balsamic vinaigrette: it goes well on anything.
*This is defined as a Magic 8-Ball that replies, "My sources say no," or "Very doubtful" over 95 percent of the time when asked, "Is 'Garfield' funny?"
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